Monthly Archives: March 2016

How the West Was Zombed – BQB’s Mockups of Chapters 64 and 65

Hey 3.5 Readers.

BQB here.  As you all know, I’m a perfectionist.  I need everything to be one-hundred percent genuine.

If you read Chapter 64 and Chapter 65 of my Zombie Western novel, you know that Becker, a damn werewolf, charged at Miss Bonnie.

In turn, Miss Bonnie shot Becker in the head with a silver tipped bullet.

Slade opened the front door to the church, pulled Miss Bonnie out of the way in the nick of time, but alas, Blake was not so lucky.

In the last few moments of his life, Becker kept running, only to fall and crush Blake under his massive werewolf weight.

But that’s ok because Blake was a douche.

There was a lot of science involved in this scene.  Newton’s laws of gravity and such.  I needed to sketch it out to see if it all worked on paper and low and behold, it all added up.

Check it out:

ILLUSTRATION #1

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Nope I didn’t have a kid draw this.  This was all me.  OK, so here we see a stupid werewolf who is running.  Miss Bonnie has a gun (I felt the need to make a note of that because some have suggested, if you can believe it, that my artistic skills are lacking).

Everybody’s a critic.

Meanwhile, as you can see to the right, Blake and Gunther are arguing with each other, not paying attention to their surroundings.

ILLUSTRATION #2

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Here, we catch our first real life glimpse of the macho stud muffin that is Marshal Slade. As you can see above, he grabs Miss Bonnie and pushes her out of the stupid werewolf’s path just in time.

ILLUSTRATION #3

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And finally, we see the untimely demise of the group’s agitator, Martin Blake.  He was too busy getting the last word in during his argument with Gunther to pay attention to the oncoming werewolf and alas, ended up being crushed underneath the hairy remains.

You can see Blake’s head sticking out.  The rest of Blake’s body is crushed underneath the stupid werewolf.

Doc, a believer in the curative properties of cocaine (because it was 1880) offers Blake a sip of his Miracle Cure-All but it is of no use.

OBSERVATIONS

  • Clearly, this all checks out and none of it is far fetched at all.  If anything, this all seems so plausible I now live in fear that I might get crushed underneath a stupid werewolf.
  • Miss Bonnie looks way too happy during all of this.
  • Damn Slade is sexy.  No wonder he has chicks fighting over him and shit.
  • Doc is truly a dedicated medical professional.

MOST IMPORTANTLY…

Money is tight around BQB Headquarters but luckily, this exercise has made me realize that I am a gifted artist.  I can save a bundle on what I was going to shell out on a cover illustrator and just design the book cover on my own.

Thank you for reading How the West Was Zombed, 3.5 readers.  If there are any other chapters you’d like me to illustrate, let me know and I’ll put pen to paper.

Shit, I’m so good at this I might turn this entire thing into a graphic novel.

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Happy Easter 3.5 Readers

You are appreciated.  Go forth.  Celebrate and eat chocolate bunnies.

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Batman vs. Superman vs. My Bookshelf

Holy Crap 3.5 Readers.

I walk away from my magic bookshelf for 3.5 seconds and this happens:

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Enough you two!  Settle your differences and get down to the important business of punching Lex Luthor in the face.

Is there a battle on your bookshelf?  Tweet the photographic evidence to @bookshelfbattle #bookshelfbattle and I might just share it with my 3.5 readers.

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Have You Liked BQB on Facebook Yet?

Hey 3.5 Blog Readers.

Do you want to be one of 3.5 Facebook Readers?

3.5 READERS: YES WE DO!

Of course you do.  Like me on Facebook!

Look, I’m not one of those Good Time Charlie Hustle types that’s going to sling a fast sell at you.  I can’t promise you that following me on Facebook will make you handsome, or beautiful, or rich, or famous, or get you a record contract, or a bag of diamonds, or your own personal island, or a date with a supermodel or an art collection full of Van Gogh paintings.

When it comes down to it, I can’t even promise you that following me on Facebook will get you an extra chicken nugget at McDonald’s, or a better pair of sneakers and if you have a lousy personality, following me probably won’t improve it or make you interesting at parties or anything.

But…you’ll get a dose of BQB in your Facebook Feed to brighten up your day.  What could be better than that?

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Where Are My 3.5 Readers From? – 2016 Edition

Oceania-Globe

Views By Country in 2016 As of Right Now:

#1 – United States  – 4,511 -‘Murica!  (Most views are from Aunt Gertie)

#2 – United Kingdom – 253 – Not a bad turn out but you Brits could do more.  Drop the scones.  Hide the crumpets.  Log on to this fine blog, guvnah.

#3 – Canada – 203 – Come on Canucks.  Stare at hockey and moose butts less and my blog more.

#4 – Australia – 151 – I appreciate you Aussies taking the time to check this site out…especially because…ahh!  There’s a dingo eating your baby!  (Made you look.)

U.S., U.K., Canada, Australia – I suppose like any English speaking author these are my top four.

But let’s not leave out:

#5 – India – 60 – I need to break out into spontaneous song and dance numbers to get their attention.

#6 – France – 59 – Sacre bleu!  Ooo la la!  That’s all I know.

#7 – Germany – 50 – This blog needs more disco and leather pants.

#8 – Brazil – 42 – I’m not sure if it is a tribe along the banks of the Amazon or somewhere in the favelas of Rio, but somewhere down there, a tiny pocket of Brazilians are all about BQB.  DANZA KUDORO!  OH OH OH OH!  I don’t know.  I just like that song because it was it was in Fast Five.  I saw that movie by the way and I believe it qualifies me as an expert on Brazil.

#9 – The Philippines – 39 – Is that lady that bought a zillion shoes still in charge there?

#10 – Spain – 29 – Hola amigos.  Yo so Bookshelf Que Battler.  Leer mi blogador mas por favor.  Gracias.

By the way, I have admonished the New Zealanders before and I need to do so again.  You guys are #11 with 26 views this year.  You speak English yet you’re being beaten by the Indians, French, Germans, Brazilians, Philippinos, and the Spanish.

They aren’t shooting the Hobbit movies there any more.  What could possibly be going on in New Zealand that is so interesting that it is keeping you from becoming one of my 3.5 readers?

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Top Ten Signs You Are One of BQB’s 3.5 Readers

And now from BQB HQ in East Randomtown…the Top Ten Signs You Are One of BQB’s 3.5 Readers

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10. You continue to keep the faith that one day BQB will actually review a book.

9.  You even keep the faith that one day BQB will finish writing a book he has started.

8.  You wish you could have Scandal nights with Alien Jones and the Yeti.

7.  Uncle Hardass is starting to sound more and more reasonable.

6.  You check BQB’s movie reviews before you decide to see a movie.

5.  You’ve done the math to determine whether or not it is statistically possible to have .5th of a reader.

4.  You look at toaster pastries and toilets differently…especially on stormy nights.

3.  It concerns you that BQB doesn’t write more in order to appease the Mighty Potentate.

2.  A two-player game of Car Thief Mayhem with Video Game Rack Fighter sounds like a fun evening as long as you don’t try to beat her high score

And the number 1 reason why you might be one of BQB’s 3.5 readers…

  1.  Someone has to be…so why not you?
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Movie Review: Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice (2016)

Batman vs. Superman.

The winner?  My eyeballs.

BQB here with a review of Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice.

SUPER SPOILERS AHEAD.

Have you seen this yet, 3.5 readers?

I want to avoid spoiling too much but this movie has brought to my mind a number ideas about comic movies, Marvel vs. DC, the direction DC is taking, etc.  So I’ll probably come back in a week or two (once people have had a chance to see it) and get all spoilery.

For now, let me say this: I don’t think the critics and I saw the same movie.

The critics are up this movie’s butt.  It’s too long.  It’s got too much going on.  It’s too confusing.

I’ll agree there is a lot going on and at times it was confusing…but come on, a lot of movies are.  Half the time I go to movies and I’m like “I…uh…wait what just happened?  I don’t know.  Me shove popcorn into face now and enjoy pretty colors.”

The most efficient thing to do is to respond to the criticisms one by one:

THE PLOT ISN’T THAT HARD TO BELIEVE

We’re humans.  We’re suspicious bastards who screw things up early and often due to our paranoia.  It isn’t that far fetched to think that if someone like Superman showed up to save us, that we’d immediately suspect he was up to some shit and ruin everything by looking the ultimate gift horse in the mouth.

BEN AFFLECK AS BATMAN

He was a worthy Batman.  He’s an older, world weary, tired of the bullshit Batman in this one.  Affleck allowed himself to be shown with a little touch of gray.  That’s commitment for any pretty boy actor.

JESSE EISENBERG SUCKS

Jesse Eisenberg did not suck.  He played the part he was hired to play and he did it well. His character was just incredibly annoying, so much so that you wonder why Batman or Superman don’t just bitch slap him into next Tuesday and be done with it.

Sadly, Hollywood has never been able to provide us with a good Lex Luthor.  The comics do.  In the comics, he’s big, strong, menacing his power comes from his cunning and cruelty.

Here, they basically just had Eisenberg take a spritz of the Mark Zuckerberg role that made him famous and then kick it up a notch.  At times his voice is screechy and almost Joker-like, which is a bad idea, as this world already has a Joker.

IT IS TOO DARK

DC Comics are dark.  Because…Batman, damn it.  To paraphrase Ben Affleck from that other movie he was in (Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back), Batman is one “morose motherf&*ker.”

Clearly, DC has seen the success that Marvel has had with The Avengers.  There is an obvious market for movies in which beloved superheroes work together.  Thus, DC is working its way toward making Justice League movies.

But this path has always been an uphill climb for DC.  DC has been making comic book movies for a lot longer.  The public knows their characters better.  Marvel, on the other hand, had the opportunity to introduce each individual member of the Avengers to the public with their own movies, building up to the Avengers movie.

But we don’t really need another Batman origin movie.  We get it.  He saw his parents get shot in front of him and became a vigilante.  (Hollywood finally gets that here…well, sort of…some suit still decided there needed to be a quick Wayne family massacre scene just in case there happened to be one jackass in the movie theater who didn’t understand why Batman became Batman.)

WONDER WOMAN WAS CROWBARRED IN

She really wasn’t.  I found her to be a good addition to the movie and am looking forward to her movie.

TOO MANY TEASERS FOR UPCOMING DC MOVIES

What should they do instead?  Make everyone wait until after the credits for a thirty second scene in which Nick Fury recruits someone new?

Although in keeping with my, “DC has the harder path than Marvel” argument…they’ve got a very big challenge in getting people to give a shit about Aqua Man.

“Hi we’re the Justice League.  We’ve got an all powerful god man, a Bat ninja, a warrior princess and oh yeah….this shit head who can control fish.”

Holy Shit you suck, Aqua Man.  If Jason Mamoa can make Aqua Man watchable he deserves an Oscar.

BATMAN AS PART OF A TEAM

He’s a loner, that’s for sure.  And he’s always been out of place in the Justice League world.

We love Batman because out of all the superheroes, he is the most plausible.  True, a mega rich buff dude who fights a crazy clown isn’t very realistic…but if you let your mind wander…it is easier to pretend to be Batman, whereas it is not as easy to pretend to be Superman, because being Superman is just totally impossible.  If you’re not from Krypton, then you should just stop pretending to be Superman.  You’ll never be Superman.

You’ll never be Batman either…but at least there’s a .00000001% chance that you could become Batman.

The Justice League fights aliens and monsters and other supernatural stuff.  Batman’s forte as a  “realistic” hero is fighting gangsters, mobsters, and psychopaths.  That’s why we loved Christopher Nolan’s Batman movies, right?  Nolan did his best to provide a Batman that was plausible (again, as plausible as a story about a Bat vigilante can get.

But the comics have always addressed that by having Batman being suspicious of his super powered friends.  He works with them, but he usually makes back up plans in case they get out of line.

You have to compartmentalize.  There’s on his own Batman who uses his training, skills, and money to fight crime…and then there’s Justice League Batman who helps other heroes fight aliens and shit.

BATMAN SHOOTS GUNS

Yes.  That was unfortunate.  Batman isn’t a shooter.  Although it has always been acceptable for him to blow the shit out of people with rockets and guns attached to the Batmobile, Batman has never packed a piece.  Technically he doesn’t in this one either….but well, then at one point he does but…ahh just watch the movie.

THE PLOT TURNS TOO MUCH ON UH…TWO PEOPLE KNOWING THE SAME NAME

Shut up, stupid critics.  That part was touching as shit.

FINAL THOUGHTS

It wasn’t perfect.  But I did enjoy it.  And I think it is the start of a promising line of Justice League movies.  I can’t wait for Suicide Squad.

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What is an Unknown Search Term?

On my stats, it will show me where people searched for certain terms and ended up getting to my blog.  It will show me the words/phrases that got eyes over here so I can keep that in mind when writing future posts.

Oh, that reminds me:

NUDE PHOTOS OF KIM KARDASHIAN!  NUDE PHOTOS OF KIM KARDASHIAN!

Sorry about that.  Anyway…so then they also will give you “Unknown search terms” and then just a number.

What does that mean?  What is an unknown search term?  If the mighty wordpress magicians somehow know that certain words/phrases brought people here (i.e. known search terms) how is it possible that they don’t know the other terms that bring people here?

Feed my brain and educate me, tech nerds.

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Batman vs. Superman!

Hey 3.5 readers.

It’s here.  It’s finally here.  The fight we’ve all been waiting for.  The Dark Knight vs. The Man of Steel.

Who will win?  No really, who do you think will win?

(As you can see, there is a “bookshelf battle” in the header of this fine blog in honor of this film.  Batman can take a punch like a champ.)

You have to root for Batman, right?  He’s the undercard in this bout.  Superman is an immortal quasi-God figure whereas Batman is a guy with good training and a lot of money. (An endless supply of money being the closest thing to a super power in reality).

I can’t wait to see it this weekend.  It will mark the beginning of DC’s attempt to recreate Marvel’s success with its Avengers movies.

Here’s a thought.  This is a big, summer blockbuster style movie and here it is, out so early…in March.

What does that mean for the future of movies?

Here’s what I think as a movie nerd.  Movie theaters are facing increasing competition from the Internet.  With the economy being down and ticket/popcorn prices high, a lot of people just decide to stay home and watch Netflix.

I can see that movie theaters are constantly coming up with new ways to get butts in seats. 3-D is one.  I’m seeing more theaters build stadium seating and put in extra comfy reclining chairs.  Beer and alcohol (watch Batman drunk!) and so on.

These big movies coming out earlier and earlier is just another way for movie theaters to stay competitive.  After all, if you love Batman and Superman, you’ll make the trip to see them on the big screen, right?

So this seems like a good thing.  Big movies earlier in the year because there just isn’t enough time to fit them all in during the summer.

Have you ever gone to the movies in January and wondered, “Holy Shit.  January movies are godawful.  This must be the time of year they release all the films that got the green light because someone had incriminating photos of a movie producer in a compromising position.”

I always wonder that.  Further, I always wonder, why can’t every movie be awesome?  Of course, I realize awesome is in the eye of the beholder.  What I find awesome and another finds awesome are two different things.  There’s enough room in the entertainment world for everyone.

Long story short, I think it will mean that eventually…bad ass movies will be shown in January.

Batman or Superman – who do you pick? Leave your pick in the comments.

SPOILERS – Batman is Bruce Wayne and he became a vigilante to cope with seeing his parents gunned down outside a theater as a child.  Also, Superman is really Clark Kent of the Metropolis Daily Planet.  His space pod crashed on a farm when he was a kid and a nice farm couple took him in and raised him.

That was a joke.

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How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 65

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“Simmer down, Martin.”

Inside the church, Blake ignored Gunther and rested his hands on his big brass belt buckle.  “You two shit heels knew this was coming and you didn’t warn anyone.”

“No one knew anything,” Gunther said.

“Oh, I see,” Blake said.  “Go on, old man.  Keep telling me I didn’t hear what I just heard and act like I’m stupid.”

“It wouldn’t be much of an act,” Gunther replied.  He pointed out the broken window.  More and more of the undead were congregating in the road, bumping into one another, searching for flesh to devour.

“Do you really think there was any way that either of us could have predicted THAT?” Gunther asked.

“Doesn’t matter,”  Blake said.  “You two knew something bad was coming…”

“We were told by the government that it was bullshit,” Gunther interrupted.

Blake poked a finger into Gunther’s chest.  In his youth, Gunther would have laid Blake out on the floor for doing that, but the old man took it.

“You knew the government was full of shit,”  Blake said.

“What does it matter now?”  Gunther asked.  “You want to blame us?”

“Yeah I do!”  Blake shouted.

“That makes you feel like a big man?”  Gunther asked.

“Yeah it does!”  Blake replied. 

Slade heard some strange noises coming from outside.  He looked through the broken window only to be amazed by the sight of a large wolf man barreling through the undead, flinging them out of his way as if they were rag dolls.

And behind him?

“Bonnie,” Slade said.

Gunther and Blake were too busy exchanging unpleasantries to notice.

“Son, if it makes you think you got a big swinging dick to point out other people’s mistakes then go right ahead,” the old man said.

“Don’t think I won’t,” Blake said. 

“Just finish up quick because we all need you to get the fuck over yourself, man the fuck up, and stop running your mouth,” Gunther said.

“Don’t turn this around on me, Grandpa,” Blake said.  “You two idiots have killed us all.”

“We all look pretty damn alive to me,” Gunther said.  “Maybe if you shut up and stop being a jackass we’ll get out of this alive.”

“I’m the jackass?”  Blake said.

“Yeah you are,”  Gunther said.

A fist pounded on the door.  Slade heard Miss Bonnie’s muffled voice coming from outside.

“Rain!”

“You had no right to keep this shit to yourself,” Blake said.

“Oh and you’re just so perfect, aren’t you?”  Gunther asked.  “You just know everything, don’t you?”

Blake thumped a fist on his chest.  “I do!”

Slade fished through the drunken reverend’s pockets and found an iron key.  He shoved it into the lock.

Bonnie pounded on the door again.

“Rain open up the door and get the hell out of the way!”

Blake and Gunther were oblivious.

“You really think you could have done any better than we did?”  Gunther asked.

“Yeah I do!”  Blake hollered.  “I’m not some dumb son of a bitch who can’t tell when danger is headed right at him!”

Slade turned the key and opened the door.  Miss Bonnie fired her shot. 

Now noble reader, perhaps you’ve heard of Sir Isaac Newton’s First Law of Motion.  In case you haven’t, it goes like this:

An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion stays in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force. 

Miss Bonnie had fired true and a silver tipped bullet was lodged in Becker’s brain.  In the last few moments of his life, the beast, or rather, the object, kept running anyway.

Slade acted quickly enough to grab Miss Bonnie and pull her out of the way.  Even old, worn out Gunther looked up in time to dive out out of the aisle.

Blake, on the other hand, an unbalanced force if there ever was one, was slammed by an oncoming furry freight train, only to have each and every one of his bones crack under Becker’s gargantuan weight.

Doc, who had been resting in a pew at the front of the church, stood and walked over to survey the damage.  He wasn’t feeling very steady on his feet, so he leaned on Annabelle.

The only part of Blake that remained visible was his head.  The rest was pinned underneath the hairy corpse.

To Doc’s surprise, Blake was gasping for breath.

The physician’s nausea was getting worse.  He coughed as he leaned down and pulled a bottle of his Miracle Cure-All out of his pocket.

“Take this,” Doc said as he poured a few drops into Blake’s open mouth. 

“Will he make it?”  Annabelle asked.

“Doubtful,”  Doc replied.  “I fear even the mighty power of cocaine mixed with spider eggs for texture will not be enough to save him.”

Slade and Miss Bonnie, the Good Reverend, and Gunther all gathered around.  Even Sarah timidly walked over.

Blake’s face turned purple.  “Tell…” 

“Hush my good man,”  Doc said.  “Conserve your strength.”

“Tell Gunth…”

Gunther knelt down and brushed his wrinkled hand over Blake’s hair.

“It’s ok, son,”  Gunther said.  “No need to tell me you’re sorry.  You’re…”

The old man wasn’t big on emotion, nor was he even sure he believed what he was about to say, but under the circumstances, he felt it was appropriate.

“You’re my friend and I love you,”  Gunther said.

Blake’s eyes looked toward Doc.  “Tell Gunther…to go…fuck himself.”

And with that, the victim drew his last breath and his eyes rolled back into his head.

The group of survivors remained quiet for a few moments until Doc broke the silence.

“Deputy,” Doc said.  “This man wished for me to tell you…”

“I know!”  Gunther said as he stood up.

“Well, it was his last wish,” Doc said as Annabelle helped him up to his feet.

Speaking of feet, a pair of two very large ones entered the church and creaked across the floor boards.  Slade turned around to see another werewolf.

This one wasn’t acting very dangerous.  He was nonchalantly walking in on two feet, carrying another Winchester, and a shotgun, and a bag of ammo in his paws.

Instinctively, Slade yanked the rifle out of Miss Bonnie’s hands and took aim.

The redhead jumped in front of the werewolf and put her hands up.

“Don’t shoot!  He’s really just a nice little negro boy!”

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