Tag Archives: humor

Nov 29 2016
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The Yeti

Five More Boring Things to Do from the Yeti

By: The Yeti, International War Criminal/Super Boring Fuzzy Snow Monster

Hello overstimulated 3.5 readers.

The Yeti here, back with some more boring things for you to do.

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#1 – Eat a Bag of Rice Cakes

Literally, like consuming styrofoam.  What is the point? You can eat a bag of them and it is like 10 calories or something.  Rice cakes are like methadone for a recovering fat person.  Very boring.

#2 – Wait in a Line

Doesn’t matter what it is for.  Just pick a line and wait.

#3 – Do a Crossword Puzzle

“Oh look at me!  I’m Mr. Genius Newspaper Crossword Puzzle Creator!  Blah, blah, blah I’m so smart because I lined up a word going across with another word going down based on a single letter that both words have in common.  Someone give me a trophy, blah, blah, blah.”

Boring!

#4- Share a Dumbass Face Book Meme

“Oh, look at me again!  Here is my stupid post with a copyright infringing yellow minion and it says some bullshit like, ‘I wonder if I share a hug how many people would hug me back?  I bet I don’t get one hug!'”

Good!  Call a bookie and place that bet because that is some winning action, you incredibly boring assface!

#5 – Get Into a Political Argument with a Facebook Friend

“Blah, blah, blah.  I work at the gas station and I think Trump is the best.  Oh yeah? Well, blah, blah, blah, I work at a drive-thru burger joint and I think Hillary was outta sight.  Oh yeah?  Well, I live on a commune and I’m all about Bernie.  Yes, let us all blah, blah, blah our unwavering political opinions at each other all night despite our lack of qualifications and credentials, blah, blah, blah.”

Boredom forever!

Tired of a Yeti controlled Bookshelf Battle Blog?  Kick the Yeti’s furry butt out of BQB HQ by following BQB on Twitter – @bookshelfbattle

 

 

 

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Nov 27 2016
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TV

TV Review – Portlandia

Who knew Portland was so funny?

BQB here with a review of IFC’s Portlandia.

Hipsterism.  Pop culture.  Trends and the never-ending attempt to keep up with them.  These are just some of the issues that are lampooned in this IFC sketch comedy show.

SNL alum Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein, both musicians, become all sorts of crazy characters as they poke fun at Portland’s excessively laid back lifestyle.

There’s the Women First Bookstore where the ultra-feminist owners put on a car wash to pay their rent and lecture a male customer that he better not be checking them out, even though their ankle length bed sheet like dresses clearly prevent that from happening.

Meanwhile, a ridiculously long line for a popular new brunch restaurant descends into Mad Maxian chaos as people waiting in line start their own villages and societies, wondering if their name will ever be called.

Generation X is the butt of many jokes as Portland seems stuck in the 1990s.  At one point, Fred and Carrie locate former MTV VJs Kurt Loder, Tabitha Soren and Matt Pinfield in order to launch a takeover of MTV and return it to a past where music videos were actually played and discussed instead of the tween based reality TV show nightmare the channel has become.

A veteran journalist’s newspaper is taken over by bloggers who want him to stop writing hard hitting exposes in favor of celebrity NSFW photos.  Carrie declares social bankruptcy when the social media requests for her to like and comment on posts outweighs the time and bandwidth she has to respond to them.

It’s all very funny and yet it is one of those shows you just have to watch in order to really get.  Plus, guest stars make cameos aplenty.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy and each show is about twenty minutes long so I’ve found they’re perfect when I need to chill out and relax for a bit.  Available on Netflix.

Don’t tell the Yeti that I’m still posting with Alien Jones’ space phone.

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Nov 26 2016
2 Comments
top ten lists

Top Ten Boring Things to Do

By: The Yeti, International War Criminal, Incredibly Boring Fuzzy Snow Monster

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Hello stupid 3.5 readers.

The Yeti here, still enjoying my control over the Bookshelf Battle Blog.  BQB will be my prisoner forever!

And as long as I am in charge, everything around here will be super boring, including this incredibly boring top ten list.

From BQB HQ, which is now Yeti HQ, in East Randomtown, which will soon be East Yeti Town, here are the Top Ten Boring Things to Do, which I, the Yeti, order you to do immediately:

#10 – Collect and Organize Your Toenail Clippings

No, do not throw them away.  Collect them and organize them in a series of jars based on size, color, and consistency.  Proudly display them on your mantle and/or coffee table.

#9 – Call Information to Ask What Time It Is 

Yes! Be the last asshole in the entire world who doesn’t own a watch, or a cellphone or a clock or a television and is not ingenious enough to find a clock to look at.

#8 – Go to a Strip Club Blindfolded

Muah ha ha!  Without your sense of sight, it will just be a smorgasbord of body odor, cheap perfume, Axe body spray and desperation – a yeti’s perfect Saturday night, let me tell you.

#7 – Watch Paint Dry

Just dab some paint on a spot in your house that needs a fresh coat, then pull up a chair and watch it dry. Breathtaking.

#6 – Read Bookshelf Q. Battler’s Back Catalog of Posts

The man thinks he is the next comedic genius but trust me, he is very boring. Snoozeville.

#5 – Stare at a Cat

Literally, all they do is lick themselves and sleep.  Once in a blue moon they might see something interesting and attack it, but that is rare.  Their lives are mostly licking and sleeping.  I theorize that cats might be part-yeti.

#4 – Listen to NPR

All those low talking, whispering ladies will put you right to sleep.  Yetis love to sleep.  So boring.  Zzzzzzz.

#3 – Read an Actual Print Newspaper

I heard a rumor they still make them.  I bet they are so boring!

#2 – Listen to Country Music 

Here, I’ll spoil every country music song for you. “Oh I’m a jilted woman but I’m strong because I get up out of bed anyway and my ex is a dickface for jilting me but I’ll survive!”

There.  Now listen to a country music station for forty hours and try to stay awake.

#1 – Write Firefly fan fiction

I do not know what this means but I heard Bookshelf Q. Battler say that people who do this are incredibly boring.

Tired by Yeti control of the Bookshelf Battle Blog? Follow BQB @bookshelfbattle on Twitter to free BQB from the Yeti’s furry clutches.

 

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Nov 25 2016
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Ask the Alien

Ask the Alien – How to Save Bookshelf Battle from the Yeti’s Furry Clutches

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By: Alien Jones, Intergalactic Correspondent

Greetings Earth losers.

Holy bioluminescent space crap.

I walk away from the Thanksgiving table at BQB HQ for a minute to feed the meter next to my space ship and by the time I get back, the damn Yeti has changed the locks and taken over the joint.

Not gonna lie.  This does not bode well for my career, or frankly, my little green life, because as you know, for some strange reason, Bookshelf Q. Battler is the Mighty Potentate’s Chosen One, the one who will allegedly write and publish a novel that is so breathtaking that it will convince all of humanity to give up on reality television.

Personally, I don’t see it. I’ve seen more work ethic in Nyquil addicted sloths than I have seen in BQB, but hey, what the Potentate wants is what the Potentate gets.

And his going to get my vaporized if he happens to check this blog and find out that BQB has been imprisoned and that a damn fuzzy international war criminal hellbent on turning the entire world into a boring place is in charge.

3.5 READERS: How do we save BQB, Alien Jones?

Oh thank the Potentate, 3.5 readers. I’m so glad you asked.

Twitter.

Yetis only love boring things and if this blog starts getting more follows on its companion Twitter page, then that will be just way too stimulating for the Yeti to handle and he will surely bail.

3.5 READERS: Can’t you just vaporize the Yeti?

Really? That’s how it’s going to be? The alien has to do everything?

Bitches, please. Get your asses to Twitter and follow your favorite nerd and save his ass from the Yeti and my ass from the Mighty Potentate…please. Pretty please…with space sugar on top.

BQB’s handle is @bookshelfbattle or you can just go here.

Don’t delay, 3.5 readers, because when it comes right down to it, my safety, er I mean BQB’s safety, is all that matters.

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Nov 25 2016
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The Yeti

Welcome to Yetishelf Battle (Or, Bow Down Before Your Furry Overlord, 3.5 Readers)

By: The Yeti, International War Criminal/Fuzzy Snow Monster and New Appointed Ruler of Yetishelf Battle (Formerly Bookshelf Battle)

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Muah ha…muah ha…MUAH HA HA!

Yes, 3.5 readers, it is I, the international war criminal/fuzzy snow monster known as, “The Yeti” and I am now in full control of the Bookshelf Battle Blog.

My plan was foolproof.  I laid in wait until BQB, VGRF, and even the incompetent security chief Bookshelf Q. Battledog were in a deep Thanksgiving food induced coma and then I took control of Bookshelf Q. Battler Headquarters in fabulous East Randomtown.

As you know, yetis love boring things and boring things alone and this foolish blog was far too stimulating.

Sure it has 3.5 readers today, but what if there are 11.7 readers tomorrow and 25.8 readers the day after that? Anarchy and madness, I tell you.

BQB’s awesome movie reviews? DONE!

BQB’s rants and ravings? GONE!

The goofy columnists? Try, my goofy hostages.

Boredom is the name of my game and from now on, this blog will be incredibly boring.

Super boring things that you can expect from this blog from now on:

  • Pictures of cats, but they won’t be doing adorable things. They will be just licking themselves.
  • Reviews of phonebooks printed in 1972.
  • Dramatic readings from dish washer operational manuals.
  • The national budget.
  • Documentaries about feet.

And that’s just the start of it!

You are doomed, 3.5 readers. Doomed, I say! Doomed to be bored forever, for BQB shall never be heard from again!

Is this the end of Bookhelf Q. Battler and the Bookshelf Battle Blog as we know it? Stay tuned…

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Nov 13 2016
2 Comments
Stop Sucking With Vinny Baggadouchio

Stop Sucking with Vinny Baggadouchio – Stop Blaming Others and Own Your Suck

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World Renowned Motivational Speaker, Anti-Suck Book Author and Bookshelf Battle Blog Columnist, Vinny Baggadouchio

I’m Vinny Baggadouchio and I’m never going to stop spreading my advice to the sucky masses on how to stop sucking until the day comes when the world is entirely suck free.

Perhaps you recognize me from one of my anti-suck self-help books:

This Suck Isn’t Going to Unsuck Itself

Sucking Around the World in Eighty Days

The Suck Cure

Suck Wars: The Suck Awakens

How to Deal with Suckers Who Suck

Why Do I Suck?

Why Do You Suck?

Why Does Everyone Around Me Suck?

Will I Ever Not Suck?

3.5 suckers, here’s today’s request for anti-suck advice:

Dear Vinny B,

I try so hard not to suck but it is not my fault. Everyone around me is a giant suck bag and they keep dragging me into their suck. I’ll never stop sucking as long as I have to be around all these sucky suckers and suck in all of their suck all day.

Really. It’s not my fault. Their suck is sucking me in.

Sincerely,

Sucks in Cleveland

Yikes. That letter really sucks, Sucks in Cleveland.

To adapt a scene from The Godfather III, it’s like you’re Michael Corleone and you thought you did everything possible to remove yourself from a world that sucks and then something happens that sucks and your response is, “Just when I thought I was out of the suck, they pull me back into the suck.”

Look. I get it. People suck. And you live in a world where people suck. It feels like the suck is unavoidable. Frankly, it often isn’t.  So much suck comes right at you from every direction.

Second hand suck is very potent. If you’re not careful, sucky people can get their suck all over you and turn you into a big fat sucker.

But you can’t resign yourself to the inevitably of suck.  You have to deflect the suck.

STEP 1 – DEFLECT THE SUCK

Often, you can’t beat the suck but that doesn’t mean you have to join the suck.

EXAMPLE:

YOUR FRIENDS: Hey, want to shoot heroin and then knock over a liquor store and punch a nun in the face?

YOU: No thank you. All of those activities sound like they would suck and I would rather not suck.

See? You’ve sidestepped the suck.

Listen, it would be great if you could talk everyone around you into not sucking but often that isn’t possible. Their suck is too strong and suckers will never stop sucking until they are ready to not suck.

In other words, you can’t really hold down all those suckers in your life and force them to not suck, but you can be there to help them when they come to you seeking advice on how to not suck anymore.

Some people just need to hit that rock bottom of suck before they will see the not sucking light and make the long climb up that anti-suck ladder.

Becoming a non-sucker doesn’t happen overnight.

3.5 READERS: But Vinny, avoiding the suck isn’t always that easy or straightforward.

Oh don’t I know it.  Case in point:

YOU: Oh I think I will do a lot of things on my day off to prevent my life from sucking. I’m going to hit the gym and then buy some broccoli at the grocery store…

YOUR FRIEND AND/OR RELATIVE WHO SUCKS: No, I want you to sit around all day and watch TV and get fat off of pizza with me…

YOU:  No, I’m going to go to the gym and…

SUCKING PERSON: Ugh but I’ll be so depressed if you leave me.  Ugh stay and let’s do some hits of elephant tranquilizer.

YOU: How did you get elephant tranquilizer?

SUCKING PERSON: Bah, I know a guy at the zoo.

YOU: Well, I’m sorry but I don’t want to watch TV and get fat and take elephant tranquilizer.

SUCKING PERSON: Waah!  You must really hate me. Waaah.

YOU: No, no. I don’t want you to feel like you suck. OK I’ll skip the gym and the broccoli and stay here and eat pizza and take elephant tranquilizer with you.

WRONG!

Absolutely wrong.

Don’t get sucked into a sucky person’s suck web.

I’m not saying don’t get help for a sucky person.  If you’ve got a person in your life who sucks then do what you can to help them stop sucking, but there’s never a reason to join in on the suck.

You don’t want to become suckily codependent with someone.  That’s when two people get together and decide to suck and feed off of one another’s suck.  They make you suck. You make them suck. It’s just a vicious suck cycle where the suck never ends.

Thus, in the above case, you, as a person trying their best to not suck, should set a good example and try to talk to the sucker about ways to stop sucking. See if they’d be willing to talk to a professional who can help them kick their pizza, TV and elephant tranquilizer habits, but other than that, there’s no reason to suck yourself up by engaging yourself in the suck.

Don’t take elephant tranquilizer just to make an elephant tranquilizer addict happy.  And moreover, don’t do something that you know sucks just to avoid making a sucky person feel bad.

Now I get it.  Often the second hand suck doesn’t transfer itself that obviously.

YOU: I’m going to go to the gym and the broccoli store.

SUCKY PERSON: Eh, I need you to clean the house and do the dishes, mow the lawn, wash the cat, shine my shoes, whitewash the fence, cook a nice brisket, rub the bunions on my feet, polish the caulk in the bathroom with a toothbrush, pick all the lint out of the carpet with a pair of tweezers, trim my nose hairs, develop a cure for all diseases known to mankind and skip to the lou my darling…

YOU: Holy shit.  Are you going to do anything to help?

SUCKY PERSON: Nah, I’m going to sit here and watch TV and eat pizza and take elephant tranquilizer.

YOU: But I don’t want to do any of that.

SUCKY PERSON: That’s cool. Just do everything else because I’m too busy watching TV and eating pizza and taking elephant tranquilizer.

YOU: But if I’m always doing everything because you’re too busy watching TV and eating pizza and taking elephant tranquilizer then I’ll never have time to go to the gym and eat broccoli.

SUCKY PERSON: That’s a bitch.

Sucky people are like ninjas. They are very stealthy with their suck.  Sometimes they hit you right up front with the suck stick so you see it coming but other times they sneak the suck up on you and you don’t realize that they’ve even sucked you into their suck until you already suck.

So in that case you must…

STEP 2 – WORK AROUND THE SUCK

You’ve got a real sucker in your life and they’re constantly throwing piles of suck at you.

But you don’t want to kick that sucker to the curb because you feel like people who don’t suck should always keep trying to unsuck a sucker and I feel you.

There’s nothing wrong with being a non-sucker and still loving and/or caring about a person who sucks.

So if you feel like you can’t ditch this sucker, then work around this sucker.

Get up even earlier and go to the gym.  Stay up a little later so you can go to the broccoli store.

I know. That sucks. Like an acrobat, you’re constantly dodging suck and coming up with new and creative ways to turn suck into non suck but if you’re stuck in a situation that sucks then that’s all you can do. Just keep dodging that suck and keep finding ways to make yourself not suck.

Work around that suck.  You know the suck is coming.  Don’t let the suck keep ramming into you.  Do some fancy footwork and bypass the suck.

If you really can’t then yes, sadly…

STEP 3 – DITCH THE SUCK

Yes. I know.  That thought sucks. But if the suck is truly unavoidable, you may have to put some thought into ditching that sucker.

Only you know what your sucky situation is like and only you are aware of your personal level of suck tolerance.

You don’t necessarily even have to abandon a sucker completely. You might be able to lend a non-sucky ear and a non-sucky helping hand from time to time, but if you really feel as though a sucker is dragging you down into a suck vortex, then you’ve got to jump ship and start swimming to the suck free shoreline.

In other words…

STEP 4 – ALWAYS TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR SUCK

At the end of the day, life is about choices.  Some people face harder choices than others. Some people are put into sucky situations that others couldn’t possibly dream of.

But bottomline you can either sit around and suck and lament and complain about how you live a sucky life because you’re trapped by all the suckers around you or you can pull yourself up and decide that you are not going to suck and you are not going to let suckers make you suck.

I do realize that some people have more sucky suckers to deal with than others but when all is said and done, only you can decide to not do things that suck.

As always, thanks for listening, keep not sucking and don’t forget to buy my anti-suck books, now available at a book store near you that does not suck.

OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER: Vinny Baggadouchio holds no credentials of any kind and nothing he says should be construed as advice that you should rely upon. If you suck, you should seek the help of trained professionals who can assist you in unsucking up your sucky life.

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Nov 12 2016
2 Comments
Tomfoolery

I’m Thinking About Becoming Amish

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Hello 3.5 Englishes,

Your old pal BQB here.

So check it out.

I’m thinking about becoming Amish for the following reasons:

#1 – Too much stress.  Too much technology.

That’s two reasons. Too much stressful technology? OK now it is one.

Cell phones were a great invention but really never should have evolved other than you have a device you can use to call someone and ask for help if you find yourself in a jam.

YES – “I’ve run my car off the road and need help!”

NO – “Hello this is your boss. I know you are on vacation but I need to talk to you on the phone right now while you are sitting on the toilet in the bathroom of a Tijuana Señor Frog’s.”

3.5 READERS: But BQB what about your blog?

Good riddance, infernal blog! Who needs you? Always pestering me to update you just to entertain 3.5 readers.

NOTE: I’m just kidding. I love you blog and 3.5 readers.

#2 – Health – Diet and Exercise

Have you ever seen a fat Amish guy? No!

Why? First they’re always exercising. But they’re not going to gym like assholes and running around on a treadmill like a goddamn hamster on a wheel are they?

No. They are not. They are raising barns and churning butter and planting crops and so on.

Shit actually happens when they exercise.

Wait. You know what? Up until like 1950 people didn’t even think to call strenuous activity “exercise.” They just called it “doing shit.”

Here’s what people were like:

CHESTER: Hey Bob! You doing some shit on your farm?

BOB: Sure am, Chester. I’m doing all this shit on my farm, then later I’m going to pickup some heavy shit and move some shit and dig up some shit and plant some shit. You off to do some shit of your own?

CHESTER: Of course. Gotta get to my farm where I will also do a ton of shit. In fact, I got a long ass fuckin’ walk to my farm and I’ll tell you even that wears the shit out of me. But once I walk to my farm I’m going to do a lot of shit.

BOB: Boy howdy, doing shit sure does keep you from becoming a fat fuck doesn’t it?

CHESTER: What’s a fat fuck, Bob? I’ve never seen or heard of one before.

BOB: I think I saw one in a picture book once. Some egghead scientist theorized that if people ever stop doing shit they’ll get really fat.

CHESTER: Aint that some shit?

 

But now we’ve got cars and computers and gadgets and shit so a lot of the heavy lifting is gone.

Second reason why you never see a fat Amish guy – they’ve got good diets.

Seriously. They don’t have Amish McDonalds. They no quiero Taco Bell. They don’t have processed foods.

You know what their food process is? They pull a damn carrot out of the ground and shove it in their suck hole and then if they want a steak they cut it off the ass of the cow that has been their family friend for years.

That in and of itself would get me to stop eating meat and become a vegetarian.

I love steak and burgers, but only as long as some nameless butcher in some factory somewhere is hacking the cow to pieces somewhere far, far away where I never see it.

If I have to hack the cow up then I’ll just eat carrots instead. I’m not going to bond with Bossy the cow and then be all like, “I’m hungry so time to die, Bossy.”

And I love chicken, especially chicken tenders and chicken nuggets…but not enough to wrap my hands around a chicken’s neck and strangle the ever loving shit out of it until I watch all of that chicken’s hopes and dreams fade from its eyes as the last bit of its life force exits its feathery carcass.

No thank you. Fuck that. Pass the broccoli.  And no matter how many reports I get that broccoli is good for you, I will never forego red meat and chicken meat in the name of broccoli unless I’m Amish.

#3 – Romance Simplified

Oh my God.  Dating is such bullshit.

Just arrange my marriage when I’m five.  Or you know what? Just let me choose.  The one in the bonnet or the other one in the bonnet.

And let her choose too. This isn’t Communist Russia.  Let her choose between me, the one in the beard and the hat or the other one in the beard and the hat.

I’m sure there is a modicum of bullshit that enters into Amish dating.

“Oh, I was going to marry Ezekiel but Jedediah has raised far more many barns!”

But that’s fine. I’ll just raise a lot of barns. At least then I know what to do. Here in the modern world women get mad at you and you never know why and even they don’t know why.

But in Amish world its simple. You just haven’t raised enough barns and you need to raise some more and then you will be able to get your hands on an Amish babe’s sweet, sweet ankle.

CONCLUSIONS

So that’s it.

Those are my three reasons.

I want to be Amish so I can kick technology to the curb, exercise more, eat less and eat more nutritious food and impress women by raising barns.

What say you, 3.5 readers? Am I on to something here? Do you want to become Amish with me?

Who’s down?

 

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Nov 07 2016
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East Randomtown News

OP-ED – I’m Still Convinced that Leo McKoy is a Robot and Also Lying About Delivering a Sandwich to James Van Der Beek

By: Bookshelf Q. Battler, Acting Mayor of East Randomtown and Mayoral Candidate

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3.5 readers, when the position for East Randomtown Mayor came up for election, I stood up, took a bold stand and said, “Ugh. Well, if there isn’t anyone who isn’t an asshole running then I guess I have to run even though it is a total inconvenience for me and is also as waste of time since everyone in this town is a big dumb dummy dumb face and no one will listen to me and everyone will just do whatever they want anyway.”

That’s the kind of decisive leadership this town needs and that’s the kind of leadership I can provide.

Sure, I  could brag all day about having a blog that attracts the attention of 3.5 readers, but I’d rather point out two things as this election season draws to a close.

First, whoever is running is not the real Leo McKoy. I saw Leo McKoy get eaten by zombies.  So whoever this is, it must be a robot designed to look like Leo McKoy designed for the sole purpose of some sinister genius to gain control of East Randomtown.

Why would an evil genius do that? I have no idea. East Randomtown really sucks and it isn’t like controlling this garbage dump of a town provides anyone with any strategic advantage, so your guess is as good as mine, but at any rate, there is, as my spirit guide Shakespeare would say, “something rotten in the state of Denmark.”

Second, we only have Leo McKoy’s word that he delivered a sandwich to James Van Der Beek.  Sure, if he did deliver that sandwich then that makes him one of, and perhaps the most important, famous, successful and influential people this town has ever produced, because as you know, the standard to be considered a great person in this town is very, very, extremely very low.

But we only have Leo’s word.  Do you think a highly successful James Van Der Beek would bother stepping foot in East Randomtown?

I don’t think so.

People, your only chance for this town to not get sucked into a giant pit of suck (as my motivational speaker Vinny Baggadouchio would say) is to vote for me, Bookshelf Q. Battler.

Or don’t. Honestly, if I lose I’d get more free time that I could use to attract more readers to my blog.  Perhaps I could get as many as 17.9 people reading this thing and then I’d be in the big leagues.

So vote for me but if you don’t its cool because at least I can say I tried.

PAID FOR BY THE COMMITTEE TO CONVINCE YOU THAT IF YOU DON’T VOTE FOR BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER THEN YOU MUST BE SOME KIND OF BIG DUMB DUMMY DUMB FACE AND THERE ISN’T MUCH MORE BQB CAN DO OR SAY IF YOU’RE ALL HELLBENT ON BEING THAT DUMB.

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Nov 04 2016
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Things That Really Frost My Ass

Things that Really Frost My Ass – Uncle Hardass Continues to Run for President

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E Pluribus Hardass

Hello degenerate 3.5 readers.

We meet again and I see you’re all still working on those writing careers.

In fact my incompetent nephew Bookshelf Q. Battler just informed me that November is “National Novel Writing Month” or “NaNoWriMo.”

You know what I call it? “LosersFindAnotherWayToNotWorkMo.”

Get a job, 3.5 readers. You people are an embarrassment to all 7 of your parents.

Moving on, the big presidential election is Tuesday, November 8.

You all laughed at me when I announced my bid earlier this year.

But now after you got to know the two frontrunners, suddenly old Uncle Hardass doesn’t seem like such a bad option, does he?

Sure, I’m old and I’ve never worked anywhere but the Salt Mines (which you should apply to) but I’ve never grabbed anyone by the pussy, that’s for damn sure.

Not only is that rude but it is also highly unsanitary.  I’ll have you know my ex-wife, BQB’s Aunt Gertie, tried to get me touch her there all throughout our many years of marital bliss and my response was always, “No dice!  Do you have any idea how many germs are on that thing?!”

Also, I’ve never had an e-mail scandal because I don’t e-mail, or use phones.  Whenever I want someone to know something, I just should at them very loudly and wherever they are in the world, they hear it.  I call it Uncle Hardass mail.

I don’t write crazy tweets because I think anyone who uses social media is an asshole, and that goes double for my lazy nephew, who you should not follow on Twitter – @bookshelfbattle

Seriously. Don’t follow him. You’ll just encourage him to keep this useless blog going and then he’ll never get a job at the salt mines.

Where was I?  Oh right. Comparing myself to the candidates. Also, I don’t engage in pay for play or take big donations in exchange for favors.

That’s not because I don’t want the money but because I don’t do shit for anyone.

That’s right.  Whatever you want done, you should do it yourself.  Sure, I could do all your shit for you but then what would you learn? What would you get for it?

When I was a kid if I wanted a road I had to build a road.

If I wanted to go to school I had to build the school then teach myself.

If someone needed to be arrested I just arrested them.

If another country declared war, I had to fight the war single handed. I personally fought and won 29 wars all by myself and I’m damn proud of it.

So no, I’m not going to take your money to do a political favor for you.  You keep your money and you get off your lazy ass and do whatever it is that needs doing.

Oh. BQB’s meddling attorney just handed me an envelope. “This blog is in no way encouraging people to undertake any kinds of official actions that they do not have the authority to do.”

For crying out loud. Ban all the lawyers! That’ll be the first thing I’ll do when I’m elected and then after that I’ll take a nap for a year.

In summation, here are more reasons why you should vote for me, Uncle Hardass, this Tuesday, November 8.

  • I’m younger than both candidates.  You wouldn’t think so but both are very, very, very old.
  • I’m going to be championing a new jobs initiative entitled, “Jobs! You Should Get One, You Lazy Son of a Bitch.” No need to create any new laws or organizations or programs to get people jobs. I am just going to go on TV once a week and nag all of you unemployed people about how awful you are for not having jobs and then surely all those people will do anything to get a job rather than be around to listen to me on TV, because my speech will be on every channel.
  • I will forego all wars and challenge opposing world leaders to an arm wrestling match instead.  Before you scoff, just keep in mind it gets kind of lonely for an old man, so I’ve been known to keep myself busy by shaking hands with the old bishop, often for hours at a time because honestly, at this point its just like pulling taffy.  Like it sort of wants to do something but not really.

Thank you, degenerate lazy 3.5 readers.

In conclusion of my summation, your writing ambitions are a waste of time and utterly pointless and also do something useful for a change and vote for me, Uncle Hardass.

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Nov 03 2016
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East Randomtown News

East Randomtown Mayor’s Race -Vote for Leo McKoy Because Bookshelf Q. Battler is an Epic Doucheface and His Dumb Blog Should Be Banned Because it Stinks

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Statesman. Barfly. Deliverer of Sandwiches to the Stars. Leo McKoy Needs Your Vote.

Bookshelf Q. Battler.

He thinks he’s a real great hero, what because he saved East Randomtown from a zombie apocalypse.

And sure, he has a WordPress blog with 3.5 readers.

Leo McKoy could pull rank and mention how he once delivered a sandwich to James Van Der Beek, the actor who played Dawson on Dawson’s Creek.

But Leo would rather talk about the issues.

FREE POTATO AND FIXINGS BAR

Leo McKoy has been saying it for years. “What? This town doesn’t have a free potato bar? When did I fall asleep and get transported to Communist Russia?”

That’s right. Because the Communist Russians do not have free potato bars because they hate freedom and also potatoes.

If Leo McKoy is elected, he will personally provide over a free potato bar in the town square every Monday or, if Monday is a holiday, then he will hold the potato bar on Tuesday because you shouldn’t expect him to give up his Monday holiday, you ingrates.

Bacon bits. Sour cream. Butter. Chives. Chili. Refried beans. Tabasco sauce. Ketchup. Mustard. Ninety-five different kinds of ice cream. Thousand island dressing. Ranch dressing. Honey mustard.

If you can put it on a potato, then your free town potato bar will have it.

East Randomtownians will never have to put shoes on their hands and gloves on their feet and walk around on their hands as if their hands were feet on Leo McKoy’s watch.

Leo McKoy was the only candidate to pledge that our dear townsfolk will never be subjugated to a law that requires them to wear shoes on their hands and use their hands as their feet and their feet as their hands.

That would be a ridiculous law and Leo McKoy does not care that such a method of walking is required by the town’s bylaws. McKoy will not rest until that bylaw is repealed and East Randomtownians are walking on their feet like honest, God fearing folk.

CATS WILL NOT BE ALLOWED TO READ YOUR MINDS

That’s right. If you believe your cat is trying to read your mind, report said feline to Mayor McKoy and your cat will spend the rest of his or her nine lives in cat prison.

Also, Mayor McKoy will expend most of the town’s treasury on the construction of a cat prison.

WE WILL CREATE AN ALL MILF POLICE FORCE

East Randomtown’s police force will be staffed by a bevy of forty year old babes who have given birth yet still managed to keep their shit hella tight and defy gravity.

If you are going to do some shit that’s going to get you arrested, you’ll feel a lot better if you’re hauled in by a MILF.

NO ONE WILL BE ALLOWED TO QUESTION IF MAYOR MCKOY IS A ROBOT

Bookshelf Q. Battler lied when he said he saw McKoy get eaten by zombies. McKoy is not a robot and he is so certain the townsfolk trust him that he will make it illegal to have politicians checked for metal balls.

MONEY WILL NOT BE WASTED ON RIDICULOUS THINGS

A McKoy administration will tighten the town’s belt by doing the following:

  • The East Randomtown Library will be shuttered and bulldozed. No one has stepped foot in it since it was discovered that books steal your souls.
  • All subjects at East Randomtown High School will be cancelled and replaced with one catch all class entitled, “Keeping it Real.” Taught by Mayor McKoy himself, students will learn that math is bullshit, science is a load of crap and no one needs to know what how to read the Englishes good as long as they know how to keep it real.
  • The town dump will be closed. Residents will be encouraged to sweep trash under their beds.  You can always get more trash under your bed so stop complaining.
  • Roads will not be repaved. Everyone is too fat and will be required to walk everywhere. Seriously, people. Look at yourselves. Even Mayor McKoy wouldn’t make a pass at you, that’s how fat you all are.

A STATUTE OF JAMES AND LEO

That’s right. A solid gold statute will be built to memorialize the glorious time when Leo McKoy delivered a sandwich to James Van Der Beek.

BAN THE BOOKSHELF BATTLE BLOG

You know with all the zombie attacks, and the yeti always going on a tear, and the space aliens always parking their ships on our front lawns and probing people in unflattering places, life sure isn’t easy in East Randomtown.

But has anyone noticed that life got worse around the same time Bookshelf Q. Battler started his stupid blog?

BQB’s blog is a magnet that pulls every last supernatural asshole in the universe to our humble town.

Thus, when Leo McKoy is elected, he will shut down BQB’s entire operation.  All the weirdo monsters that keep descending on our town will get lost and BQB’s 3.5 readers will never be entertained again.

CONCLUSION

A lot of people talk about delivering a sandwich to a 1990s teen heart throb but Leo McKoy was the only man with the guts to actually do it.

Did you do it? No? Then shut your suck hole and be a man and vote for Leo McKoy, because he’ll stop BQB and his dumb blog from destroying our lousy ass town.

PAID FOR BY THE COMMITTEE TO CONVINCE YOU THAT BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER IS A STUPID DOUCHEFACE WHOSE BLOG SHOULD BE SHUT DOWN SO VOTE FOR LEO MCKOY OR EVERYTHING BAD THAT HAPPENS IN THIS TOWN IS YOUR FAULT BECAUSE HE TRIED TO WARN YOU

 

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