Monthly Archives: October 2016

#31WaysToDefeataVampire – Way #8 -Cats

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

shutterstock_115934440

Bleh!

It’s true.

Vampires despise cats.

You wouldn’t think so because we both sleep all day, we’re both exceptionally cranky, and we both have fangs but no, those furry little jerk faces get hair all over our coffins and puke hairballs all over the floor.

Quickest way to get rid of a vampire?  Whip out your cat.

Have you ever defeated a vampire with a cat? Discuss in the comments.

Tagged , , , , ,

Movie Review – The Girl on the Train (2016)

There’s a girl.  There’s a train.

That’s it. Goodnight everybody.

Oh ok, I’ll write a review.

SPOILER ALERT.  “The Spoiler on the Blog.”

BQB here with a review of The Girl on the Train.

Rachel (Emily Blunt) is a booze fiend. Big time alcoholic. Loves the sauce. Mmm…drinky drinks get in my belly.

Every day she rides a train that passes by the homes of two couples that she’s unable to stop thinking about.

One couple is Megan (Haley Bennett) and Scott (Luke Evans).  They appear to live an idyllic life as happy lovers and remind her of the marriage she lost due to her alcoholism.

Ironically, she’s so depressed that her boozing destroyed her marriage that she can’t stop drinking.

SIDENOTE: Haley remains a Jennifer Lawrence doppleganger and has absconded with yet another part from J-Law. First The Magnificent Seven, now this.  3.5 readers, if you look like J-Law, head to Hollywood, for there’s apparently a good living to be made as a J-Law double.

The other couple is Rachel’s ex-husband, Tom (Justin Theroux), now married and the father of a child with Anna (Rebecca Ferguson.)  It breaks her heart to have to constantly see the house she once co-owned inhabited by a woman that isn’t her and a baby that she wanted to have.

When Megan goes missing, everyone becomes a suspect and since Rachel is an alky/epic maker of bad decisions/person who constantly embarrasses herself with bad behavior, she’s not the most trustworthy protagonist for viewers to rely upon.

At times, it was confusing.  The action moves often from Rachel as main character to flashbacks of the other characters’ lives and scenes where Rachel isn’t involved.  Multiple perspectives.

At the end of the film, the lady sitting behind me in the theater loudly blurted out this wasn’t as good as the book.

Being a gentleman, I didn’t want to disparage her by informing her that she was at the top of my list of types of moviegoers I can’t stand – i.e. person who reads the book the movie is based on, then insists on being haled as a genius all throughout the movie.

Heck, for all I know, she could be right. I did buy the novel written by Paula Hawkins.  I did read the first few chapters. They seemed interesting. I just lacked the time to finish it.

Initially, I thought this was going to be a modern take on the 1954 film Rear Window with Jimmy Stewart – i.e. two people gawking out a window only to end up gawking at something that terrifies them.

That would have been cool but uh, well, not to give it away, but no, this isn’t that.

This movie is a win for Blunt.  She showed Oscar worthy greatness in last year’s snubbed Sicario and this year, she uglies herself up and becomes a pitiable but sympathetic character.

I mean, sure, not everyone goes into an alcoholic tailspin after a marriage, but who among us haven’t been left feeling gut punched by the ending of a relationship?  Blunt captures the epic sadness that comes from having to cope with the fact that your beloved is now with someone else vs. the cruel reality that the world is still turning, you still need to get up and go about your day, and the people around you only have so much sympathy so stop complaining and suck it down deep already.

I’m going to give it shelf-worthy status largely because I got to see Haley Bennett’s tucas, which arguably is the same as seeing J-Law’s tucas.

Or is it? I don’t know.  I haven’t seem them in a side-by-side comparison.  I only run a modest blog for 3.5 readers. I’m not famous enough to make shit like that happen.

STATUS: Shelf-worthy.

Tagged , , , ,

How Many Books a Year Could You Write/Publish if It Was Your Career?

OK 3.5 readers.

If writing was your one and only job, you get up, write all day, then stop at the end of the day (say you were putting in an 8 hour day) – how many books do you think you could get out a year?

I just feel like I’m bouncing off of a wall.  I’d really like this to be my career but it takes so long.  Here I am, almost another year down and still no published book.

I work. I come home. I’m tired. My weekends end up filled with all of the life sustaining stuff, it is so slow going.

I’m an overachiever. I’m not happy with the “oh well I just like to write for the sake of writing.”

I’ve heard all kinds of theories about this and I realize it also depends on the substance.

If you’re writing a critically acclaimed prize winner, that’s different than say, a mad cap zombie romp. Both are loved by their fan bases, but both are different.

How many books a year could you put out if it were to become all you do?

I also realize I need to stop starting and stopping.

I finished a first draft of How the West Was Zombed and the felt like an achievement…but I feel like it does need a major rewrite.

Then I wrote the beginning of Undead Man’s Hand and I felt that was tighter – the characters, the timeline, the town, there wasn’t a lot of room for me to wiggle around and make it go off in all kinds of directions like I did in Zombed.

Undead was going to be a part prequel/part sequel to Zombed.  Now that I have had a few months to think about it, I think Undead will become the first book and Zombed will be the second.

Then I dabbled in Illiad Rebooted for a few weeks. Have to be honest, I enjoyed it. I laughed a lot.  A lot of the sex and language bothered me.  I guess at this point I’m still a civilian and the one thing new writers worry about is will writing something off the wall make people think less of me?

If it takes off, great. If like 100 people read it and they’re like wow whoever wrote this must be a weirdo well…at any rate, I’d like to finish it but I’m not sure I want it to be my first novel.

So now I’m on Zomcation which is basically – Zombies+Vacation = Zomcation.  A discharged war hero ends up going on a vacation to an amusement park (Wombat World) with his divorcing sister and kids.

Somehow they meet up with an actress who once played a princess but was demoted to donning a wombat mascot costume when she turned 30, and a bumbling Wombat World security guard who fancies himself an action movie cop and gets irate at the most trivial park rule offenses (i.e. gum chewing.)

And then somehow they end up fighting zombies. I’m still working on the details.

The plot is not complicated. It is in modern times so I don’t have to constantly look up how a past character would have acted.  I’ve done 31,000 in a couple of weeks so I think I could get it done by the end of the year and then I would love to turn my attention to getting the first two Zombed books out and done.

I must start working on a project from beginning to end though.  Draft. Rewrite. Edit. Format. Publish.  No more skipping to other ideas till its done.

Its frustrating.  I have more ideas than time but I hope I will eventually get to them all.

Feel free to dispense advice, 3.5 readers.

Tagged ,

No One Wants to Buy Twitter

This CNN article explains it better but essentially, Twitter is looking for a buyer and Disney, Google, and Apple have said nope.

What’s up?  What do you think? Has Twitter reached its apex? Its zenith? Yikes, I’ve put a lot of time into it I hope its not going to go the way of Myspace.

What say you, 3.5 readers? Do you use Twitter? Do you like it? Is tweeting worth it?

Oh and shameless plug – follow me @bookshelfbattle

Tagged , , , , , , ,

#31ZombieAuthors Rewind – Day 7 – Alpha Male Lessons for BQB

With Your Host: Schecky Blargfeld, Zombie Comedian

shutterstock_226147147

Sex and zombies. Zombies and sex.

Not together, of course. That’d just be plain disgusting, even for me, and I’m a zombie.

Gillian Zane, who provides steamy scenes in her NOLA Zombie series, gave BQB some alpha male lessons.

SPOILER ALERT: They don’t take.

Check out that interview here.

And check out Gillian’s NOLA Zombie series on Amazon.

Tagged , ,

#31WaysToDefeatAVampire – Way #7 -Terrible Reboots

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

shutterstock_115841446

Bleh.

I just watched the new Ghostbusters reboot on demand.  Bleh, that’s money I’ll never get back.

It doesn’t really hold up.  I mean, bleh, the first time it was ok but now that I see it again and can analyze it a bit it is just all cheap jokes crowbarred in there.

Show a vampire a bad reboot and he or she will hiss and run away.  Vampires are known for their good taste.

Which bad movie reboot makes you want to hiss and run away?

Discuss in the comments, bleh.

Tagged , , , , , ,

#31ZombieAuthors Rewind – Day 6 -Advice from the Journal of the Undead – S.G. Lee

With Your Host: Schecky Blargfeld, Zombie Comedian

shutterstock_226147111-copy

How do you know that you’ve made it as an author?

When you’re touring the late night talk show circuit?

When your book sells a million copies?

Nah. When you’ve got your own action figure.

Last year, S.G. Lee gave BQB some advice from his Journal of the Undead.

Check out that interview here.

And don’t forget to check out S.G.’s Amazon author website.

Tagged , , , ,

#31WaysToDefeat a Vampire – Way #6 -Sharks

By: Count Krakovich, Asshat Vampire

shutterstock_115775161-copy

Bleh!

We vampires like to pretend that we’re indestructible but no one can defeat a shark.

Sharks can easily chomp through a vampire.

Humans and/or vampires alike should avoid sharks.

That’s about it. I’m really phoning it in today…because I’m an asshat. Don’t judge me.

Tagged , , , , , , ,

Who Does the Best Trump Impression?

Your choices are:

A) Jimmy Fallon

B) Darrell Hammond on SNL

C) Alec Baldwin on SNL, who just started doing one this past weekend.

Tough call – I thought the sketch where Jimmy as Trump interviewed the real Trump was funny but I think I have to go with Hammond because he’s such a master impressionist and has been impersonating Trump for a long time, long before the whole presidential race hullaballoo.

What say you, 3.5 readers?

Tagged , , , , , , ,