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BQB in the hizzy fo shizzy.
Are you dating a wannabe rapper?
Only this BQB top ten list can help you know for sure. Or rather, fo sho.
Bookshelf Battle
The only site where new bestsellers are forced to do battle for space on a nerd's bookshelf.
Monthly Archives: February 2018
BQB’s Classic Movie Reviews – Brewster’s Millions (1985)
So much money to spend, so little time. BQB here with a review of the 1980s classic, “Brewsters Millions.”
What’s the best way to break yourself of a disgusting habit? To do it to excess until you’re completely sick of it.
Montgomery Brewster (Richard Pryor) and his buddy Spike (John Candy) are a couple of bums who play on a lousy, broken down, minor league New Jersey baseball team.
As luck would have it, Monty’s long estranged Uncle Rupert (Hume Cronyn) kicks the bucket, and in his will, leaves Monty with a quite a challenge. Uncle Rupert recalls a time when he caught Monty smoking a cigar as a boy. Uncle Rupert forced Monty to smoke all the cigars in the box until he got sick, thus making it so Monty would never want to smoke again.
Thus, the point of the challenge is clear. Uncle Rupert put a lot of work into making $300 million dollars and he doesn’t want to leave it to an idiot who will squander it. So, he challenges Monty to spend $30 million in one month, the idea being that by the end of the month, Monty will become so disgusted by the idea of money being wasted that he will become a stalwart caretaker of the remaining fortune.
More catches – Monty can’t tell anyone about the deal, so he has to deal with everyone thinking he is an idiot for spending his inheritance of 30 million so recklessly.
Further, he must spend the 30 million completely and have no assets left behind. He can’t just by a $30 million house or something that he can convert back to cash at the end of the whole ordeal.
Thus, this leads to so many flunkies on his payroll. A personal photographer. A money manager who gets $100,000 a week. A personal marching band. Oh, and he spends it on fun. He finance a game between his lousy team and the Yankees. He buys rare bottles of champagne and drinks them. He funds a campaign to ask New Yorkers to not vote for anyone for mayor because both candidates are stupid.
The highlight of the film comes when Monty buys a rare, 1.2 million dollar stamp. The villainous banker types who want Monty to fail so they can get Uncle Rupert’s money laugh because they believe Monty has just bought an asset…until they get a postcard from Monty with the rare, cancelled stamp on the card.
It’s a lot of fun to watch as Monty comes up with new ways to waste cash, and the idea that taking your worst habit to the extreme might help you to hit the rock bottom you need to hit in order to avoid doing the habit forever is intriguing.
Makes me sad that Pryor and Candy are both long dead before their time.
STATUS: Shelf-worthy
Is Your Girlfriend a Russian Spy?
Lot of talk about Russian spies in the news lately, 3.5 readers. Is your lady an agent for the Kremlin?
Richard Pryor Fucked Marlon Brando (According to TMZ)
According to this TMZ article, comic legend Richard Pryor and acting legend Marlon Brando humped, boned, got it on.
I’m such a dinosaur because I don’t know what to think. Two actors I liked. I suppose it would be not woke to not like them anymore. Also, to clarify, I didn’t like Brando that much. IMO, he was good in “The Godfather” and kind of a pretentious prick in everything else, but that’s my opinion.
Pryor was hysterical in everything.
OK I’m depressed these two allegedly had sex, but I admit that makes me not woke.
Also, it may be beyond depression. Just surprise. Shock. Pryor was so silly, Brando so serious. Didn’t seem like they’d hang out together, let alone have alleged gay sex.
Like imagine how you’d feel if you woke up tomorrow and there was a headline that said Justin Bieber, Nicki Minaj and Taylor Swift like to play pinball machines on top of giant, football stadium sized donuts while unicorns run around and space aliens dance the mambo.
That would seem very out of the ordinary…just as how out of the ordinary it is to me the allegation that Pryor and Brando banged each other.
What would that even sound like?
BRANDO: I’m going to make your ass an offer it can’t refuse!
PRYOR: Oh get in there, bitch! You gonna get it all, Jack!
BRANDO: Ugh…your ass could have been a contender!
PRYOR: Oh you muthafucka! Gratuitous use of the N-word!
BRANDO: STELLAAAAAAAA!!!
PRYOR: Hilarious white guy voice!
BRANDO: YOU CAN ACT LIKE A MAN!
PRYOR: Where’s my crack pipe?!
Anyway. That’s how I imagine it sounded.
You Can’t Argue with Science – Launch of Elon Musk’s Falcon Heavy Rocket
By: Dr. Hugo von Science, Esteemed Professor of Science at the Advanced Science Institute of Science University
Guten Tag, Herr 3.5 readers! Dr. Hugo von Science here, mein liebchen, back after a long hiatus for as you recall, there was a teensy, weensy issue where I was accused of unleashing a zombie apocalypse on East Randomtown. Boy oh boy, you unleash one little zombie horde and the legal system never lets you here the end of it.
Ahh, but wouldn’t you know, mein crooked lawyer worked some magic, reminded zie government that they do not want to publicly acknowledge that zombies exist and thus to punish yours truly would be an admission of zombie existence and voila, my tenure at Science University has been restored!
Alas, BQB didn’t want me to return but that’s OK. I just pirated the signal of his blog, changed a few ones undt zeroes and here I am, guest blogging against your favorite nerd’s will anyway.
Herr 3.5 readers, have you seen zie footage of the Heavy Falcon rocket launch? If you missed it because you were too busy picking your nose boogers, here’s the CNBC coverage of the launch:
Herr 3.5 readers, do you know this rocket is a) the most powerful rocket ever built b) the first of its kind to be launched by a commercial enterprise und c) is capable of reaching Mars?
By the way, if you ask Elon, he will totally deny this and I’m sure BQB’s lawyer will want me to say this isn’t true but between you and me, I was brought in to be an advisor on this project in the early stages.
Yes, Elon was all like, “this will be the biggest rocket ever!”
And I was all like, “Yes, that’s very nice but it must be bigger if we are going to blow up the sun.”
Then everyone was all like, “Why would we blow up the sun?” and I was like, “So we can buy a bunch of flashlights in advance and then make a killing when we sell them to the blacked out masses at insane prices, duh!”
Needless to say, Elon and the Space X folk weren’t down for blowing up the sun, nor were they into mein other ideas, namely – launching my patent pending laser death ray satellite, which could be used to a) hold the world for ransom with a threat to burn the entire planet lest all the world’s gold reserves be transferred to me and b) also used to heat the coffee of a random person from a zillion miles away with tremendous precision.
Can you believe they weren’t down for holding the earth ransom either? They were all like, “Science and discovery and exploration and benefitting mankind.” Blah, blah blah. What a bunch of wet blankets.
Anyway, I kept bringing up more ideas. We should put all my enemies on the rocket and then exile them to deep space. We should send the rocket to every planet and broadcast a message asking for all planets to send us their hottest, greenest, finest, three tittied space babes. All of these plans und more were nixed.
Finally, Elon showed me the door and I informed him the feeling was more than mutual. I am, after all, a scientist with standards and if a rocket is not going to be used to hold the earth for ransom or at the very least to blow up a random planet and start an intergalactic war, then I want no part of it and I shall say good day.
Ultimately, I am glad Space X launched their rocket and I wish them well in their various science experiments.
Meanwhile, look for mein rocket launch next year as you’ll see it on the news as well as all other TV channels as I will pre-empt all stations with my ransom demands.
Did I say, “ransom demands?” I meant, “science lessons.” I have no idea how this terrible rumor that I’m a mad scientist got started. I’ll have all 3.5 of you know that I am a very happy scientist – very happy indeed.
Stop Sucking with Vinny Baggadouchio – Taking Your Not Sucking Journey One Suck Free Day at a Time
World Renowned Motivational Speaker/Anti-Suck Expert Vinny Baggadouchio
I’m Vinny Baggadouchio and I’m sucking the suck out of the world so you don’t have to.
Perhaps you recognize me from one of my many fine books which describe in detail how you no longer have to suck:
How Now, Brown Suck Cow
John Livingston Suckgall
De-suck You, De-suck Me, De-suck it Together, Naturally
Stop the Suck World, I Want to Get Off!
When a Problem Comes Along, You Must Un-Suck It
How to Win Friends and Avoid Sucky People
I’m Mad as Hell and I Don’t Have to Suck Anymore!
Today’s question comes from a big ole suckface in Pismo Beach, Florida. Wow, it’s so nice and sunny, you’d have to be a big super sized sucker to suck in a place like that.
Dear Vinny B,
I’ve sucked so hard and for so long that I don’t even remember where all the suck began and I’m not sure how to even find a way for the suck end. Sometimes, when I think about all the things I have to do to not suck, I feel so overwhelmed that I begin to engage in sucky behaviors, like smoking crack, banging discount prostitutes with STD laden, gangrenous vaginas and eating Tide pods. So many Tide pods. Sometimes I just sit down in front of the TV and eat a whole bucket of those things. I’ve died seven times already and the doctors tell me they doubt they can bring me back again and I should stop eating Tide pods but I can’t help it because I suck so much.
How can I stop sucking today so I will not suck tomorrow?
Sincerely,
Pismo Sucker
My word, Pismo Sucker. Your life sure does suck. Don’t worry though. I’m here to help you un-suck it.
Here’s the deal. Your life didn’t suck itself up overnight. I’m sure it took many, many years worth of steadily, increasingly suckier activities until you became the great big sucker that you are today.
Maybe at one point you were great – young, vibrant, healthy, good job, you were going somewhere. Then, you started to suck a little. Maybe you stopped shaving everyday. Maybe you stopped caring about your appearance. Maybe you didn’t keep your desk, office, car, or home or anywhere else clean.
Maybe you started with an extra drink. Then two. Then five. Then twelve. Then came the crack, the smack, the horse tranquilizer and then the Tide pods. Boy, people have really been sucking themselves up with Tide pods lately. Don’t eat them, people. They suck and they’ll kill you and that would suck.
Slowly but surely you took a new, sucky step down the ladder of suck into the great sewer hole of suck-dom. Now you’re down there in the suck sewer, covered in so much suck muck you don’t know how you’ll ever get to the suck free top again.
Simple. Just as you plunged into suckitude one step at a time, so too will you step up into a suck free life, one step at a time.
Today you’ll start shaving. Tomorrow, you’ll start dressing better. The day after date, you’ll cut down on the booze. As time goes on you’ll cut out all the substances (though the Tide pods must be cut instantly.)
Seek counseling and a support group and therapy and treatment for your various addictions. There are many professionals who are quite adept at curing sucky problems like yours.
Rome wasn’t built in a day and your sucky life won’t be unsucked in a day, or a week, a month or even a year. Take each day is it comes. Find as much suck-free enjoyment as you can whilst still trapped in your suckitude. Slowly but surely, make incremental and positive changes that build up your suck free life and build up your immunity to suckyness.
Think of all the years you wasted wallowing your suck. Think how quickly those years went by, how happy you’d be if you’d stepped onto the slow but sure path onto a suck free journey years ago.
If you try to de-suck all of your suck instantly, it’ll be too much – a Herculean task for even the most advanced non-sucker. De-suck little by little, taking baby steps towards an overall end game of a suck free life.
You’ll get there, my friend, but you didn’t dick this suck hole overnight, and you aren’t going to fill it up with suck-free dirt overnight either.
I know it can be hard to sit there and think how far away a suck free life is, how much needs to be done before your life won’t suck anymore that it seems so surreal that your life could do anything but suck, but trust me, a suck free life is not a fairy tale. If you believe you won’t suck, then you will achieve a life that doesn’t suck.
Good luck, don’t suck, and FYI, my new book, “Good Luck, Don’t Suck” is now available at a book store near you that doesn’t suck.
What has been your experience using Google AdSense?
Hey 3.5 readers.
BQB here. Look, you guys have no idea how expensive a yeti cage is. Plus, when that furry prick is incarcerated, I have to feed him, water him, I have to hire a guy to clip his toe nails and pick up his turds because I sure as hell am not doing that shit.
Bottomline, I need new ways to fund this ruckus.
Has anyone out there ever used Google AdSense? Apparently, it is open to WordPress users and there is a plug-in you can use to make ads from Google pop up on your blog. You’ll get paid for clicks, though you’ll have to rack up a certain dollar amount (100 bucks) before they send you any dough.
I’m curious how many clicks you need to reach that 100 buck mark. Honestly, an extra hundred bucks a month could help around BQB HQ. Even more would be welcomed.
How much traffic does your site need to even bother getting involved? I mean, I have a little more than 3.5 readers but not much more.
Anyway, curious about your experience.
Was Justin Timberlake’s Half-Time Show that Bad?
Poor JT. He goes to the Super Bowl and whips out Janet Jackson’s titty and everyone flips out, so this time he plays it straight and everyone gets pissed out.
Look, make up your minds, people. Either you want Justin to whip out titties or you don’t.
I’ll admit though I’m not sure what the point of this whole “Man of the Woods” thing is. Like, you think it means he’s trying to become a Country music star but instead he’s just making pop songs about the country? WTF.
Movie Review – The Shape of Water (2017)
If there’s a better movie out there about a woman who fucks a fish monster, I’ve yet to see it.
BQB here with a review of the Oscar front runner, “The Shape of Water.”
I don’t think the line above counts as a spoiler. If you check out the poster for this film, it shows a woman locked in a passionate embrace with a fish man sooo…I mean I don’t know about you, but when I saw that my immediate reaction was to realize that this movie was probably going to feature some human on fish man fucking.
Beyond that, I can’t begin to discuss this film without mentioning SPOILERS so if you don’t want to read SPOILERS then don’t read on below. SPOILERS!!!
Here’s the deal, 3.5 readers. I’ve been a movie buff for as long as I can remember. I have seen so many movies that I deserve an honorary degree in film studies.
I’m usually able to collect my thoughts after I see a film…but I’m not sure what I saw here.
It was good. I’m just unclear as to the point of it all.
Sally Hawkins and Octavia Spencer play Elisa and Zelda, a duo of cleaning ladies who keep a top secret 1960s Cold War era research facility spotless. They dust satellites and clean bizarre machines and are aware that their continued employment (and freedom) requires them to keep their mouths shut about anything they see.
That’s easy for Elisa as she’s mute – unable to speak. Elisa lives on the periphery of life, always enjoy movies and television, which she watches with her elderly, unemployed neighbor, a mopey ex-advertising artist named Giles (Richard Jenkins.)
Elisa is content to stick with the same old life until she learns that one of the lab’s test subjects, a fish man comparable in appearance to “the Creature from the Black Lagoon” is regularly tortured by Strickland, a clandestine CIA type played by Michael Shannon.
Long story short, Elisa feels sorry for the fish monster, so she enlists Zelda and Giles to participate in an breakout scheme.
And then once the creature is free, he and Elisa fuck. Oh my God. There is so much fish monster on human woman fucking its crazy really.
Sooo…I’m unsure of a number of things. My first thought is surely this film, about a woman who falls in love with and fucks a fish man, must be a dark comedy. The Academy never touches sci-fi, but the film makes use of typical French romance music, so one is left to wonder if this is all just a parody of classic romance films, but instead of two French people who lose their ennui after they meet, this is about….human on fish man fucking.
There are definitely dark comedy undertones yet there is a lot of drama and in many parts, a serious tone. What exactly is the overall theme? The best I was able to come up with is that it is very difficult to find true love so when you find it, you must embrace it, even if you and your partner have differences – say, differences in race, religion, background…or you know, if one of you is a human and one of you is a fish man.
From a writer’s standpoint, I am amazed. I write so many outlandish, ridiculous, absurd things but never once would I dream of having a woman and a fish monster get it on. Honestly, take out the French romance music and some of the dramatic flourishes and serious scenes and this movie could double as an April Fool’s episode of the X-Files where the producers decide to let their hair down and be silly.
Meanwhile, Michael Shannon is skilled at playing psychos and he excels here. This is his best performance since “Boardwalk Empire.” I was left to believe that he really wanted to apprehend the fish man at all costs and was not moved by the romantic undertones of human on fish man coitus.
Jenkins also deserves recognition. I bought him as a sad sack whose only friend is Elisa and thus he’s willing to do anything to retain her friendship. By the way, don’t get old because if a woman has to choose between an old man and a fish man, she will choose the sushi penis every time. Scaly balls, yes. Wrinkly balls, no.
Is it worth an Oscar? I mean, I enjoyed it, I had a good time, it did make me think about love and how it can bloom in the strangest places under the most unexpected circumstances.
Is it better than the other nominees? I’ll have to think about that one, though I’ll note that at this point, I really just want the news to be talking about how a movie about a woman who fucks a fish man was made best picture and to the best of my knowledge, none of the other films feature a woman banging a fish man.
STATUS: Shelf-worthy. If you ever figure out what it’s about, tell me.
Bookshelf Battle 