Tag Archives: funny

Apr 22 2016
4 Comments
top ten lists

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be An Assassin

Yes, your girlfriend is quite fetching.

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I’d make a joke about how she could assassinate me anytime…but I really don’t want to be assassinated.

One might even say if looks could kill…well, hold that thought.

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be an Assassin.

10.  Constantly wears a fully body leather cat suit everywhere, at all times…EXCEPT…when you want her to.  When you want her to she just throws on those dumpy old smelly sweat pants you wish she’d throw away. Women.

9.  All of her seemingly minor faux pas may in fact be attempts to assassinate you:

  • Undercooked chicken = bad cook? – Nope. Assassin! (An attempt to assassinate you via food poisoning.)
  • Slippery floor = lousy housekeeper? – Nope. Assassin! (She’s biding her time until you slip and fall to your doom.)
  • Constantly wants to do it = nymphomaniac? – Nope. Assassin! (Please. No woman in a committed relationship has ever actually wanted to do it with her boyfriend since the beginning of time. She’s wearing you out until your heart stops…i.e. she’s trying to assassinate you with her vagina.)

8.  She has a closet full of sniper rifles and is constantly taking them apart and putting them back together.  Always try to stay close to her…for at a long distance, she might assassinate you…through snipery!

7.  You asked her if she is an assassin and she said no.  She lies! Open your eyes, man! Of course an assassin wouldn’t openly admit to being an assassin.

6.  Constantly striking poses that accentuate her assets while holding guns, knives, and other weapons.  She puts the “ass” in assassin, that’s for sure.

5.  Are you an important person? If so, she might be trying to get close to you in order to assassinate you.  If not, then she still might kill you, but that would only be murder. Only rich, famous and powerful people get assassinated. Seriously, get your head out of the clouds and accept the fact that you’re not good enough to be assassinated.

4.  You don’t really have a good story about how you met your girlfriend. It wasn’t at a park while you were both walking your dogs, or at the grocery store when you both reached for the last box of Captain Crunch and instantly bonded. Nope.  She showed up in your bedroom one day with a bomb after one of your enemies put your photo and $100,000 in her secret drop box.  Why are you so oblivious?  Love is blinding you. Of course your girlfriend is an assassin if she has bombs and secret drop boxes!

3.  She’s always sneaking up on you…but instead of giving you hugs…she tries to strangle you with garrote wire.  Don’t buy her nonsense that this is just some kinky sex thing. She’s an assassin!

2.  Your face is always sore when you wake up.  Did you forget to rest your head on your pillow? Maybe…or maybe…your girlfriend was roundhouse kicking you in the face all night…because she is (wait for it) an assassin!

  1.  She’s constantly staring at you with a look of disgust in her eyes. True, this could be inconclusive as all girlfriends do this to their boyfriends, but keep in mind that should could be trying to make your brain explode with the mental powers she developed at the assassin school she attended because she is, you guessed it, an assassin.

EDITORIAL NOTE: Because we live in a stupid world filled with big dummies, Attorney Donnelly advises me to state to you that this post is just humorous fun and in reality it is highly unlikely your girlfriend is trying to assassinate you. However, should you develop a reasonable belief that your girlfriend is trying to assassinate you, do not confront her about the situation directly. Rather, report the matter to the police or your nearest government authority in charge of disrupting the activities of assassins.

Don’t live your life based on jokes made on a dumb blog for 3.5 readers, weirdos.

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Apr 22 2016
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Tomfoolery

I am Postless

Hey 3.5 Readers.

I have nothing witty to say today, so I think I will chill out in BQB HQ with the whole crew instead.  Video Game Rack Fighter. Alien Jones. Bookshelf Q. Battledog. The Magic Bookshelf Characters.  Uncle Hardass. Nerdstradamus. Search Engine Optimized Poet. Vinny Baggadouchio, Motivational Speaker.

My, how my circle of nerd friends has grown in 2 plus years of blogging.

In the meantime, I’d love your comments and feedback on How the West Was Zombed – good, bad or indifferent.  65,000 words in and I think I will most likely finish a first draft of a book for the first time this year.

Also, are you looking forward to Game of Thrones this Sunday? I know I am.  Tell me what you’re looking forward to.

Finally, for no good reason, here is surveillance footage of Alien Jones on the can. Why he was there, I don’t know, because he doesn’t even poop. Maybe he was just testing out a human custom.

Don’t share this photo around though because the media on his home planet will have a field day and then he will never be able to become the next Mighty Potentate.

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Apr 20 2016
1 Comment
top ten lists

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Mad Scientist

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It’s the discipline that provides the answers to our most vexing questions about the world we live in. Ironically, with every question scientists answer, new inquiries pop up every day.

Most scientists are reputable members of the community, dedicated to following strict rules and procedures.

However, there are some scientists who dare to dabble in the depths of depravity that few are willing to tread.

As part of his penance for “accidentally” causing a zombie outbreak in East Randomtown last summer, Dr. Hugo Von Science has assisted the Bookshelf Battle Blog in creating this list of the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Mad Scientist:

10. Foreplay consists of him dropping his pants and shouting, “IT’S ALIVE…IT’S ALIVE!”

9.  His home decor consists of:

  • Beakers filled with foaming potions, bubbling brews, and other strange concoctions.
  • Giant switches that require you to strain yourself just to flip.
  • Tesla coils. So many tesla coils.

8.  Wears a white lab coat everywhere.  Dinner? Lab coat. The opera? Lab coat. The lab? Lab coat.

7. Never takes his goggles off, even when his eyes aren’t in danger of being stabbed, exploded, poisoned, scratched, electrocuted, or otherwise harmed. You’ve never even seen his eyes before because he was wearing those goggles when you met him.

6. Hobbies include: snorkeling, horseback riding…and threatening world leaders to turn over their treasuries to him lest the world be destroyed by his latest invention.

5.  He borrowed your credit card. This month’s bill includes charges for:

  • Giant moon laser base
  • Enormous Drill Capable of Reaching Earth’s Core
  • Nuclear Warheads
  • Lab Monkey Food

The moon laser base, enormous drill, and nuclear warheads didn’t strike you as odd but it seemed unusual to you that lab monkey food could be charged to your credit card so easily.

4.  His laugh starts out slowly, quietly. Then it builds…and builds…into a maniacal crescendo.

EXAMPLE:

YOU: And then my co-worker Rachel said, “Forget the giblets, I’ll take the whole turkey!”

YOUR MAD SCIENTIST BOYFRIEND: Ha.  Haha.  Ha ha ha…HA HA…MUAH HA HA HA HA!!!

3.  You’ve grown so accustomed to the sound of explosions coming from your basement that you’re able to sleep right through them.

2.  Has a well-organized brain collection in his lab. Labels include:

  • Monkey brain
  • Sheep brain
  • Cow brain
  • Dog brain
  • Cat brain
  • Caveman brain
  • Alien brain
  • Sasquatch brain
  • Missing Link Brain

NOTE: We don’t want to tell you how to live your life but it is highly suggested that you run if you ever see a jar marked, “Ex-girlfriend brain.”

  1. You came across a file on his desk marked, “Build My Own Girlfriend Project.” Realized that might be how you got here. Come to think of it, you don’t have any memories beyond last Tuesday. Decided not to question it.
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Apr 18 2016
4 Comments
Zombie Western

How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 82

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“Oof!” was Doc’s cry as he doubled over to clutch his stomach shortly after Miss Bonnie sucker punched him in the gut.

“You dirty spy!” the redhead said.

“Spy?” Doc inquired as he righted himself. “Oh no, madam. You have me all wrong. As a citizen of this fine country, I simply had a business matter to discuss with the marshal. I had no idea I would end up walking into a display of your torrid affair.”

“Doc,” Slade said. “How did you escape?”

“Outfoxed you, dear boy,” Doc said. “Don’t be too hard on yourself. We all can’t be Harvard men.”

Doc found himself on the business end of Miss Bonnie’s finger as it wagged an inch away from his face.

“You better keep your stinking trap shut about this you damn dirty zombie or so help me…”

Doc turned an imaginary key in his mouth and mimed throwing it over his shoulder.

“I assure you, my good woman, my lips are sealed vis a vis your transgressions,” Doc said.  “It had not occurred to me that the two of you were canoodling in secret but as the bible says, ‘let he who is without sin cast the first stone.’ I, of course, cannot.”

Slade tried a less violent approach.

“Doc,” Slade said. “We’re about to take the battle to Blythe.  Sarah’s already a wreck. Now is not the time to…”

“Not another word of it, please,” Doc said. “You have nothing to fear from me. Marshal, I too have long been a patron of practitioners of the world’s oldest profession so it does not surprise me that you have taken a shine to the vivaciously alluring Miss Lassiter as opposed to the chaste and pure Widow Farquhar.  Two women to choose from.  Would that we could could all have such problems, eh old boy?”

Doc nudged Slade with his elbow in jest but the move did not go over well.

“I’ve had about enough of you,” Miss Bonnie sneered.

“Oh Miss Lassiter, you misunderstand me again,” Doc said. “I’m simply saying in my own experience, I prefer the company of prostitutes because they are, despite their lowly status in society, some of the most honest women around. Every romantic relationship will inevitably cost a man dearly in some manner. At least ladies of the evening have the common courtesy to demand cash on the barrel head as it were.”

Slade noticed that Miss Bonnie was fuming.  “Doc, you may want to quit before she slugs you again.”

“Quite right,” Doc said.

The trio awkwardly looked at one another.

“Isn’t this cozy?” Doc asked. “The three of us warming ourselves by a fire.  And rather ironic, when you think about it, that the two of you require my assistance in containing the effects of your immoral doings while as it so happens I too require your aid in a most delicate bit of business, Marshal.”

“What?” Slade asked.

The good doctor handed over the documents he’d drawn up and the Reverend’s quill pen, dripping in ink.

“Your signature, if you please.”

Slade took the papers and looked them over.  “What is all this?”

“Oh, you’ll find everything in good order,” Doc said.

Upon reviewing the second paper, Slade’s reaction was the same as the Reverend’s. “This is a lie.”

“Is it?” Doc asked. “Or is it a little white lie? Little white lies make the world go round, good sir.  People don’t need to hear the absolute truth. They just need to hear what they wish the truth to be. Little white lies such as, ‘Yes Grandmother, I find your cooking to be superb’ even though it is rubbish or ‘No, Miss Farquhar, I do not recall seeing your betrothed inhaling the face of a known prostitute…”

“I quit that,” Miss Bonnie said.

“Did you?” Doc asked. “Well, buck up and get back to it my dear, for as they say, ‘if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.’ No one likes a quitter.”

“That’s not what I meant,” Miss Bonnie said as she took the papers away from Slade and looked them over. 

“Is this for real?” she asked Doc.

“Indubitably,” Doc replied.

Miss Bonnie handed the papers back to Slade. “You should sign it then.”

“Indeed,” Doc asked. “All I require is for a public official in good standing to sign as a witness.”

“I’m not the marshal anymore,” Slade said.

“Yes,” Doc said. “But if you’ll notice, I took the liberty of dating these documents two days ago, back before you tendered your resignation. Although, for all we know, you may very well still be the marshal. I doubt very much given the current zombie crisis your resignation will be processed through the proper channels anytime soon, if at all.”

“Back dating a document?” Slade asked. “Doesn’t seem very honest…”

Slade instantly recalled what Doc had walked in on him doing and took the pen.  Doc turned around to offer his back as a makeshift writing desk and Slade signed both papers.

“Yes,” Doc said. “You scratch my back and I shall scratch yours.  Oh, that does feel good…”

The marshall forked over the papers and pen.

“Thank you, my good man,” Doc said. “You have my gratitude and if I may, I should very much like to aid you in escorting Miss Lassiter and company to the livery. From there, Annabelle and I shall make our departure.”

“Do you really love her, Doc?” Miss Bonnie asked.

“Indeed,” Doc said. “So rare is it in this world that two people with a consummate understanding of one another’s strengths and weaknesses join together that when such a match is found it must be nurtured, as one would a tiny sapling until it becomes a majestic sequoia.”

Miss Bonnie was baffled. “So…yes?”

“Yes,” Doc said as he folded the papers and placed them in his coat pocket. “Oh, and Miss Lassiter, one more thing. Some time ago, I saw you make quite a trick shot with a derringer in order to break up a squabble amongst roughhousing ruffians in your establishment.”

“What about it?” the redhead asked.

“I wonder if I may be so bold as to ask for it,” Doc said.

“I don’t know,” Miss Bonnie replied. “It has some sentimental value for me.  Besides, I don’t remember where I…”

Doc interrupted. “It’s for Annabelle to use to shoot me in the head should I become a full zombie.”

“Now I remember.” Miss Bonnie hiked up her skirt, fished the piece out of her garter belt, and handed it over.

“Isn’t this grand?” Doc said as he accepted the minuscule weapon. “Friends helping each other?”

“It sure is,” Miss Bonnie said. “I hope Annabelle uses it in good health.”

“Oh, Miss Lassiter!” Doc said as he chuckled. “You are a card!”

Slade and Miss Bonnie watched Doc walk back into the church.

“He’s still an asshole, right?” Slade asked.

“The biggest ever,” Miss Bonnie replied.

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Apr 18 2016
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Zombie Western

These Yummy Mozzarella Sticks Will Be in My Belly

Oh, sweet cheesy mozzarella sticks. Italian herbs and cheese in stick form, perfect for dipping into marinara sauce. Once ingested into my stomach, they will bind me up and make me drop a brick but it will be so worth it.

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Attorney Donnelly advises me to note this is not a photo of Applebee’s mozzarella sticks per se but just random sticks in general.  Either way, so delish and nutrish.

The Applebees website lists their mozzarella stick appetizer at eight bucks. (I assume Mrs. Applebee comes out and gives you a back massage or something.)

So, I’m thinking I’ll price How the West Was Zombed at 2.99 and then once you factor in Jeff Bezo’s cut, I’ll probably need to sell four copies just to make sure I have enough.

You know what? Let’s go for five copies. I’ll want a soda to wash all that gooey cheese down.

What a world we live in. Never did I once dream that I would ever be a successful enough writer to buy my own plate of cheese sticks and now I’ll be wolfing them down.

I don’t know exactly when. There’s still a lot of work to do. But there’s definitely a light at the end of the tunnel for the first draft and thus that’ll be a first for me.

Not sure how long, could be a year or two before it gets self-published but now I know it is not a question of if but when.

Those cheese sticks will be mine and I owe it all to my 3.5 readers.

Oh wait. Damn it. I’m going to need 5.5 readers to get cheese sticks and a coke. Come on people, I need 2 more readers to make my dream of a delicious appetizer come true.

In the meantime, 3.5 readers, would you do me a favor and read what I have written so far of How the West Was Zombed?

Your comments (good or bad) bring this project closer to fruition.  If you help me whip this book into good enough shape I might even…no…dare I dream it?

Get an entire fiesta lime chicken entree.  Oh sweet, delicious chicken seasoned with lime…

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Apr 16 2016
7 Comments
Stop Sucking With Vinny Baggadouchio

Stop Sucking With Vinny Baggadouchio, Motivational Speaker

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The Bookshelf Battle Blog’s new columnist, Vinny Baggadouchio, will educate BQB’s 3.5 readers on the finer points of a suck free lifestyle.

Hello 3.5 readers.  I’m motivational speaker Vinny Baggadouchio and I’m here to inform you of a cold, hard fact:

You suck.

That’s right.  You suck and had you bothered to pick up one of my many self-help books such as…

How to Stop Sucking

You Too Can Not Suck

Stop Sucking in Thirty Days

The 7 Habits of People Who Don’t Suck

Knock Knock.  Who’s There? You…and You Suck!

Welcome to Sucksville.  Population: You

And of course, my hottest bestseller:

One Suck, Two Suck, Who Sucks? You Suck.

…then you’d be aware that you suck right now.

Yup.  I used to be a big old suckbag like you until I discovered the power of not sucking and with my new column right here on the Bookshelf Battle Blog, I’m ready to share the secrets of a suck free life with you.

Look at me, 3.5 readers.  My life does not suck.

Hot babes?  You better believe I’ve got ’em.

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Vinny B gets all the hot chicks.  You could too if you didn’t suck so much, you fat sucker you.

Money? Holy shit. I’ve got enough cash to choke a horse.

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Vinny B makes it rain and you could too if only you would stop being such a giant suck face.

Foxy females. Fat stacks of cash. As a genuine, bonafide non-sucking person, I’ve got a fantastic life. It doesn’t suck it all.

But you know what 3.5 readers?  I’m going to let you in on a little secret:

My life used to suck as bad as yours.

It really did.  I used to suck as bad as you do right now.

Life sure can suck, can’t it? You have all these hopes and dreams but when things don’t go your way and they start to suck, it’s almost impossible to avoid giving it all up to live the life of a sucker.

That’s what I did. Like you, I used to park my fat ass on my sofa and read columns published on sucktastic blogs that only had audiences of 3.5 readers or less.

When I was done reading sucky blogs, I’d suck a gallon of Haagen-Das ice cream down my throat while petting a flatulent llhaso apso named Tilly until four a.m. while watching Kung-Fu movies and dreaming of a non-sucking life that seemed so far, far away.

Holy shit, Vinny B. That sounds like it really sucks.

It did. It really did.  But do you want to know how I stopped sucking so much?

Yes please tell us.

One day, I hit the rock bottom of suckitude.  My wife left me for a man who didn’t suck. My kids called that guy dad because they were tired of having a sucky father.  Shit, even my miniature dog left me to find another owner who didn’t suck because that furry little son of a bitch got depressed as hell just being around me because I sucked so much.

But just then, when I was at my lowest point of suckosity, feeling crushed under the weight of my collective suckyness, I proudly stood up, chucked the ice cream in the trash, turned off the Kung-Fu movie marathon and shouted, “I WILL NOT SUCK FOR ONE DAY LONGER!”

Say it with me, 3.5 readers!

WE WILL NOT SUCK FOR ONE DAY LONGER!

God damn it!  Say it like you mean it!  Say it like people who do not suck!

WE WILL NOT SUCK FOR ONE DAY LONGER!

Holy shit! I actually believed you all that time. You convinced me that you don’t want to suck any more.

Don’t get me wrong. You still suck. I mean, look at yourselves, all covered with potato chip crumbs and running up your credit cards on action figures that you never take out of the box because you’ve convinced yourself that just hanging onto them makes you an interesting person.

Stop it!  You are not interesting! You suck!

You suck but you’re also in luck, for at the Vinny Baggadouchio Institute to Get People to Stop Sucking, I have perfected a four-step process to get people off the suck train and into the non-suck fast lane.

STEP 1 – Admit That You Suck

Everyone knows that you suck. But you know what people who don’t suck do? They don’t provide unsolicited opinions about people’s levels of suckitude. They’ll never tell you to your face that you suck and you’d never believe them anyway because people who suck are always oblivious to the many, many ways in which they suck.

So the first thing you have to do is stop dipping that nacho into that vat of Cheez Whiz, squirt the B.O. off yourself with a little spritz of deodorant, then look yourself in the mirror and shout to the heavens, “I SUCK!”

WE SUCK!

Yes you do.  James Dyson is the inventor of the Dyson line of vacuum cleaners, powerful machines that basically double as mighty hand held wind tunnels capable of sucking up a spec of dirt at fifty paces and transporting it to another dimension.

If you could open up his brain and scoop out the most elaborate sucking invention that he’s yet to develop because it requires the discovery of some strange new alien power source to amplify its suckery…

…you would still suck more than that machine.

And you need to admit that you suck that badly.  Only by admitting that you suck can you begin to trod the path of the non-sucky.

STEP 2 – Identify Why You Suck

There are so many reasons why you could possibly suck.  Every sucky person is like a special sucktabulous snowflake.  No two suckholes are alike.

But based on the real life stories of some of the suckos I’ve brought back from the brink of sucking, here are some of the most common reasons why people suck:

  • You’re that sucker who has convinced himself that spending his entire paycheck on lottery tickets is “an investment.”  YOU SUCK!
  • You are that suck face who still lives with your grandma because you have convinced yourself that you could move out any time if you wanted to but you’re just too good of a grandson to abandon her.  Shut up. Your grandmother hates your guts and prays to Jesus every night that one day you will leave her in peace so that she can just have one moment to touch herself to Dick Van Dyke’s masculine tour de force on Diagnosis Murder before she dies of embarrassment of how badly her grandson sucks.  YOU SUCK!
  • You’ve given up on finding a relationship and instead have bonded with a pillow you drew a face on. Well, I admire your initiative to make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear but even so…YOU SUCK!
  • You are an adult and you spend ridiculous amounts of time criticizing Hollywood executives for failing to live up to the standards you have for movies about your favorite comic book characters without ever realizing that you’re not the target demographic…BECAUSE MOVIES ABOUT JACKASSES IN TIGHTS AND CAPES ARE MEANT FOR CHILDREN AND YES, BOOKSHELF Q. BATTLER, YOU SUCK!

You need to find that kernel of suck that is making your life suck and isolate it before it sucks up your life any more you big bag of suck.

STEP 3 – Develop a Plan to Stop Sucking

It’s not enough to figure out why you suck. You need to also determine how it will be possible for you to not suck anymore.

Suggestions:

  • Stop pining over your sucky ex-boyfriend or girlfriend. Did they leave you because they sucked? Then good riddance. No one wants to be around sucky people because it’s too easy to catch their second hand suck. Did they leave you because you suck? Oh well.  You live and learn…to not suck. There’s no use crying over spilled suck so decide you won’t suck any more and when you’re no longer a sucker, you’ll land a ton of hot ass babes like me, Vinny B.
  • Stop chain smoking, binge eating, compulsive gambling, habitual shopping, prostitute fraternizing, getting spanked by women in furry animal costumes, farting on midgets or whatever other depraved suckfest you’re into.  If you have to ask if the activity that you are into sucks, then it sucks. Stop doing things that make you suck.
  • Tune out the suck filled world for an hour a day and take a walk to contemplate how to navigate your way around the obstacles in your life that make you feel like you want to suck.
  • Say goodbye to people who suck.  Otherwise, it is too easy to succumb to peer suck pressure.
  • Meditate and repeat a mantra such as, “Ommm…ommm…I will not suck…ommm…”
  • Leave post-it notes around your house, in your car and on your desk to remind yourself not to suck. Life moves at a rapid pace, after all, and if we don’t leave ourselves visual cues to not suck, then it is too easy to forget to not suck and revert back to our reflexive, default sucky natures.

STEP 4 – Don’t Suck Anymore

You have admitted that you suck.

You have figured out why you suck.

You have developed a plan to stop sucking.

Now, the fourth and final step. Follow that plan to the letter and refuse to suck anymore.

Believe me.  It isn’t easy.

Inside your mind there is a little negative suck bag voice crying out for you to suck.

EXAMPLES:

  • You know that extra slice of pizza will make your butt grow bigger than a barcalounger, but that suck voice in your head tells you to eat it anyway. Don’t do it. You’ll suck.
  • You know that unclean person you just met in the bar is going to give you herpes with a capital H. Don’t go home with said person anyway. Herpes suck.
  • The idea to buy some ridiculously expensive piece of crap that you’ll never use pops into your head. Ignore it. You don’t need it. High credit card bills suck.

IN CLOSING

I’m Vinny Baggadouchio and it pains me to see so many sucky suckbags in the world. You don’t need to suck for one more day and if you follow my advice, you’ll never suck again.

And don’t forget, my series of anti-suck self-help books are available in one collection for the low, low price of $99.99 wherever books that don’t suck are sold.

Buy them all today or else…you suck!

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Apr 15 2016
5 Comments
Search Engine Optimized Poetry

Search Engine Optimized Poet #2 – Why Do Men Have Nipples?

Nipples!  Whoa, nipples!up-korora-beatnik-800px

Why are there nipples on a man?

It’s not like they can squirt milk into a can.

Or can they?  A Google search for this info is now a part of my plan.

Flan?  How do I make it?

And your coffee.  How do you take it?

Is a Keurig easy to use?

Which brand of java should I use?

Booze.  Which kind is best to get me drunk?

Will the city dump take all of my junk?

I’m in a funk.  Because I want to know whether or not it will rain.

And which is the best laundry detergent?  Tide or Gain?

Who is that stuck up dude who used to play Dr. Frasier Crane?

Oh search engine, there is so much for you to explain.

Like why are there bubbles in champagne?

Maybe to help me celebrate.

What is the best site to find a date?

How many oranges come in a crate?

Does anyone remember that old TV show, “Sister Kate?”

Wasn’t it only on air for a year?

Where can I find the tastiest beer?

There are so many things that I fear.

Like what do I do if I get bitten by a gnome?

Will I be ok?  Should I just go on home?

Foam.  Where can I find a pillow made out of foam?

Did E.T. ever phone home?

Of that film, I am very fond.

Speaking of movies, who was the best James Bond?

Do gentlemen really prefer blondes?

How do I take of my fern’s delicate fronds?

I wish there weren’t so many questions floating around inside my mind.

Oh Internet, sweet Internet, I really am in a bind.

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Apr 14 2016
1 Comment
top ten lists

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Khaleesi

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Wait until April 24th for Game of Thrones Season 6?

This a man cannot do.

For Lord Battler of House Bookshelf loveth his Game of Thrones.

Oh, how it has allowed nerds across the land to experience what Superbowl Sunday must feel like for the normals.

Yes, 3.5 readers I love GOT as much as you love your girlfriend.

And from BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be the Khaleesi:

(Note this list is mere fantasy.  If you’re reading this blog, you are a nerd who is unworthy of the Khaleesi.)

***NOTE: GOT SPOILERS AHEAD!  SPOILERS!!!!****

10.  Her wardrobe consists of 950 turquoise dresses. Khaleesi loves turquoise.

9.  No one at work ever steels her lunch from the communal fridge…BECAUSE IT’S A DAMN BLOODY HORSE HEART IN A BAG!

8.  You avoid arguing with her because you know that all arguments end with your ass getting burned extra crispy by her dragons.  Also, people refer to her as the Mother of Dragons.  Like you’ll answer the phone and people will be all like, “Can I speak to the Mother of Dragons?”

7.  Speaking of, she has so many titles.  Khaleesi.  Mother of Dragons.  Breaker of Chains.  And she insists on announcing them every time she enters a new room.  You need to leave three hours early just to take the Khaleesi to a movie.

6.  Dated Seth MacFarlane.  Part of you is annoyed with her because she could have done better.  Part of you wants to high five Seth for being the first nerd in history to use his nerdy ways to snag a Khaleesi. (I stand corrected about my early statement about nerds not being able to snag the Khaleesi.)

5.  Starred in a Terminator reboot.  It was godawful.  So bad.  So very, very bad.  But you forgive her.  Because she’s the Khaleesi.  Only the Khaleesi can be forgiven for a terrible Terminator remake.  Cersei was also in a sucky Terminator remake.  It’s ok to not forgive her because fuck her.  She’s Cersei.  Cersei’s the worst.

4.  Her brother sold her into slavery and then was jealous that she made a big ass pot of lemonade out of those lemons.  In-laws.  Am I right?

3.  Totally the type to hop on her dragon and fly away, leaving her friends to fend for themselves in the gladiator’s arena.   (Oh shut up.  That’s not a spoiler.  You had a year to watch this shit.) Probably won’t give you a ride to the dentist either.

2.  Nerds in the know theorize she might be Jon Snow’s Auntie.  Channel your inner M. Knight Shyamalan and repeat after me, “What a twist!”

  1.  Out of a group of people who are the worst, she’s always the best.

HONORABLE MENTION:

  • Drew you in by getting naked, but now that she’s won you over, that turquoise dress stays on.  In other words, she’s like every other woman post commitment. Heap her with praise all you want but you’ll be lucky if you see a boob on your birthday.
  • Honest and fair, but cheat her and you’re banished to the friend zone.  Also, from the country.
  • Appreciates your wise counsel.  Would appreciate it more though if you were a dwarf or a eunuch.  Seriously, she’s got an army of eunuchs and two eunuch advisors.
  • She takes what’s rightfully hers, by fire and blood if she has to.  So don’t bogart the Funions.
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Apr 14 2016
10 Comments
top ten lists

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Wizard

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Your boyfriend is magical.

No, I don’t mean that as in he’s perfect. I mean it as in he’s a damn spell casting practitioner of the dark arts.

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Wizard:

10.  When he asks you to polish his wand, he isn’t making an off color joke.  He literally dropped his magic wand in the toilet and only you can restore it to its naturally pristine state.

9.  He’s not the best guy to ask for a drink. The beverages he brings you look more like potions.  Green or purple. Smoking or bubbling.  (Note if your boyfriend is not a wizard do not rule out the possibility that your boyfriend might be Bill Cosby.)

8.  Whenever he stinks up the bathroom, he gives you fair warning by shouting, “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!”

7.  No matter how old he is, has a ten foot long gray beard. Wizards love their beards because it is easy to hide potions, powders, spell books and other magic supplies in them. Also, they can whip on sunglasses and make coin by starting their own ZZ Top tribute bands.

6. Never stops smoking his pipe, even while in front of a No Smoking sign.  Puffs out smoke clouds in the shape of mythical animals.

5.  His wardrobe only consists of dark colored robes and floppy yet pointy hats. Breaks out his constellation covered robes on special occasions.

4.  Best pickup lines revolve around making his penis, your pants or some other article of clothing disappear in an inappropriate manner.  (Less humorous but more appropriate lines include observations that you are “enchanting” and claims that you have “cast a spell on him.)

3.  The house isn’t big enough for his pet dragon and your pet cat.

2.  Hides risque magazines in his spell books.

  1.  If you’re a fantasy heroine, he’ll pop up occasionally to give you cryptic advice before disappearing abruptly.  Also, he will bogart your Doritos.  Wizards love Doritos, but they are notoriously cheap bastards who don’t pay for shit. Your cat will get along with his dragon before that SOB pries open his wallet for anything. That’s just Wizardry 101.
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Apr 12 2016
7 Comments
top ten lists

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Hipster

 

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Holy Shit.  Now there’s a guy who looks like he’s wasted a lot of time reading the Bookshelf Battle Blog.

Like most women, you might assume that your boyfriend is a doofus who doesn’t care about what you think.

But your boyfriend is different.  He puts in a ridiculous amount of time just to make it look as though he doesn’t care about what ANYONE thinks.

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Boyfriend Might Be a Hipster.

10.  Wears black, thick framed Buddy Holly style glasses 24/7.  Even wears them if he doesn’t need them.  Not that I’m superstitious or anything, but if I got on a plane and saw a guy that looks like Richie Valens and then another guy that looks like the Big Bopper, I’d immediately get off the flight and take the next one upon seeing your boyfriend.

9.  You two can never enjoy any form of entertainment together

MUSIC

You Listen To:                     

Taylor Swift

He Listens To:  

Lower Ugandan Nomadic Tribesman Lunar Cycle Chants

MOVIES

You Would Like to See:                          

My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2

He Would Like to See:

Love in the Time of Cottage Cheese Farming  (A Twelve Hour Foreign Documentary Made in Uzbekistan with No Subtitles)

TV Shows

You Would Like To See:                        

Downton Abbey

He Would Like To See:

The Director’s Cut of Downtown Abbey with Cast Commentary, because he was so     watching it already long before anyone else discovered it, but now he’d like to learn more about the cast’s style and acting choices.)

*NOTE: He liked or disliked most things long before liking or disliking something became mainstream. You know this because he reminds you of this fact often.

You Would Like to Read:                       

The Girl on the Train

He Would Like to Read:    

Tibetan Monk Journals; 7th Century Finnish Poetry

*NOTE: He is also that asshole who a) has read the book the movie is based on and b) insists on telling you each and every way the book was better than the movie and c) practically demands that you forge some type of rudimentary medal to pin to his chest that says “I Am Superior to Everyone in the Movie Theater Because I Read the Book this Movie Was Based On.”

8.  You can’t go out to eat with him either.  You’ll order a burger. He’ll order “an organic level twelve vegan soy dog produced with the smallest eco footprint possible.)

7.  Going out for drinks also poses a challenge.  You’ll get a Bud.  He’ll want an artisanal gluten-free pale ale microbrew, preferably produced in Luxembourg or Lichtenstein.  (Favorite bars usually require patrons to wear elaborate costumes or are hidden in the middle of nowhere with no visible signage.)

6. Owns more fedoras than a man who wasn’t born in 1910 should (which means if he owns one or more fedoras, he owns too many.)  He’ll also note that his favorite hat isn’t a fedora but rather, a trilby, and then proceed to explain the differences between the two in excruciating detail.

5.  Additional questionable fashion choices include: scarves when it isn’t snowing, turtlenecks when it isn’t cold, shirts with ironic sayings or obscure band logos and so, so many vests (sweater or otherwise.)  Also, and I hate to be the one to break this to you, but he’s a cosplayer.  He lied when he told you that cartoon character outfit in his closet was just something he wore for fun at a Halloween party a couple of years ago.  He wears that shit around the house all the time and is working up the courage to tell you that not only he wants to wear it in bed but he got one for you to wear too.

4.  Elaborate facial hair. Sculpted so intricately that he looks like he could be a Hunger Games Game Master or some other type of sci-fi super villain from the future.

3.  Either walks or rides a bike everywhere.  If he owns a car, it is so small that it looks like 50 clowns are going to jump out in various hilarious ways whenever he stops.

2.  Ever since he got a digital camera he thinks he’s Ansel Adams.  His Facebook is full of random household objects.  He swears there’s irony involved but assures you that if he had to explain further you wouldn’t get it.

  1. He could tell you about other boyfriend options that are better than he is…but you probably have never heard of them.
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