So I think I’m going to go ahead and do that, 3.5 readers.
Baby steps, you know.
It’ll teach me how to format a book and get it on Amazon so I’ll know by the time my first novel eventually, EVENTUALLY gets done.
The good news is I’ll be able to hook up with 99Designs for a book cover.
Do you have any ideas for a book cover for this fine writing prompts book?
Lay them on me.
Hello 3.5 Englishes,
Your old pal BQB here.
So check it out.
I’m thinking about becoming Amish for the following reasons:
#1 – Too much stress. Too much technology.
That’s two reasons. Too much stressful technology? OK now it is one.
Cell phones were a great invention but really never should have evolved other than you have a device you can use to call someone and ask for help if you find yourself in a jam.
YES – “I’ve run my car off the road and need help!”
NO – “Hello this is your boss. I know you are on vacation but I need to talk to you on the phone right now while you are sitting on the toilet in the bathroom of a Tijuana Señor Frog’s.”
3.5 READERS: But BQB what about your blog?
Good riddance, infernal blog! Who needs you? Always pestering me to update you just to entertain 3.5 readers.
NOTE: I’m just kidding. I love you blog and 3.5 readers.
#2 – Health – Diet and Exercise
Have you ever seen a fat Amish guy? No!
Why? First they’re always exercising. But they’re not going to gym like assholes and running around on a treadmill like a goddamn hamster on a wheel are they?
No. They are not. They are raising barns and churning butter and planting crops and so on.
Shit actually happens when they exercise.
Wait. You know what? Up until like 1950 people didn’t even think to call strenuous activity “exercise.” They just called it “doing shit.”
Here’s what people were like:
CHESTER: Hey Bob! You doing some shit on your farm?
BOB: Sure am, Chester. I’m doing all this shit on my farm, then later I’m going to pickup some heavy shit and move some shit and dig up some shit and plant some shit. You off to do some shit of your own?
CHESTER: Of course. Gotta get to my farm where I will also do a ton of shit. In fact, I got a long ass fuckin’ walk to my farm and I’ll tell you even that wears the shit out of me. But once I walk to my farm I’m going to do a lot of shit.
BOB: Boy howdy, doing shit sure does keep you from becoming a fat fuck doesn’t it?
CHESTER: What’s a fat fuck, Bob? I’ve never seen or heard of one before.
BOB: I think I saw one in a picture book once. Some egghead scientist theorized that if people ever stop doing shit they’ll get really fat.
CHESTER: Aint that some shit?
But now we’ve got cars and computers and gadgets and shit so a lot of the heavy lifting is gone.
Second reason why you never see a fat Amish guy – they’ve got good diets.
Seriously. They don’t have Amish McDonalds. They no quiero Taco Bell. They don’t have processed foods.
You know what their food process is? They pull a damn carrot out of the ground and shove it in their suck hole and then if they want a steak they cut it off the ass of the cow that has been their family friend for years.
That in and of itself would get me to stop eating meat and become a vegetarian.
I love steak and burgers, but only as long as some nameless butcher in some factory somewhere is hacking the cow to pieces somewhere far, far away where I never see it.
If I have to hack the cow up then I’ll just eat carrots instead. I’m not going to bond with Bossy the cow and then be all like, “I’m hungry so time to die, Bossy.”
And I love chicken, especially chicken tenders and chicken nuggets…but not enough to wrap my hands around a chicken’s neck and strangle the ever loving shit out of it until I watch all of that chicken’s hopes and dreams fade from its eyes as the last bit of its life force exits its feathery carcass.
No thank you. Fuck that. Pass the broccoli. And no matter how many reports I get that broccoli is good for you, I will never forego red meat and chicken meat in the name of broccoli unless I’m Amish.
#3 – Romance Simplified
Oh my God. Dating is such bullshit.
Just arrange my marriage when I’m five. Or you know what? Just let me choose. The one in the bonnet or the other one in the bonnet.
And let her choose too. This isn’t Communist Russia. Let her choose between me, the one in the beard and the hat or the other one in the beard and the hat.
I’m sure there is a modicum of bullshit that enters into Amish dating.
“Oh, I was going to marry Ezekiel but Jedediah has raised far more many barns!”
But that’s fine. I’ll just raise a lot of barns. At least then I know what to do. Here in the modern world women get mad at you and you never know why and even they don’t know why.
But in Amish world its simple. You just haven’t raised enough barns and you need to raise some more and then you will be able to get your hands on an Amish babe’s sweet, sweet ankle.
CONCLUSIONS
So that’s it.
Those are my three reasons.
I want to be Amish so I can kick technology to the curb, exercise more, eat less and eat more nutritious food and impress women by raising barns.
What say you, 3.5 readers? Am I on to something here? Do you want to become Amish with me?
Who’s down?
Take one part The Matrix and one part Inception, throw in a dash of Harry Potter in an alternate universe where Harry Potter is for adults and you’ve got Marvel’s latest addition to its movie list, Dr. Strange.
Presto change-o, abracadabra 3.5 readers. Hold onto your magic wand because it is time for another Bookshelf Q. Battler movie review.
OBLIGATORY SPOILER WARNING.
Benedict Cumberbatch stars as Dr. Stephen Strange, an egotistical surgeon whose career is cut short when his hands are badly injured.
Refusing to give up all that he’s worked for, he sets out for Nepal in search of alternative physical healing.
Instead, he learns the secrets of magic, mysticism and sorcery from the Ancient One aka Tilda Swinton.
Blah blah blah. There’s another sorcerer that Dr. Strange has to fight (Mads Mikkelsen), he has an ally (Chiwetel Ejiofor) and a love interest (the ever boner inducing Rachel McAdams).
I give kudos to Cumberbatch because he branches out in this role. We all know he’s a classical style actor and has always done a great job playing deep, intense characters.
Dr. Strange is equally intense, but he’s also a cocky, wisecracking American, a role I’m not sure Cumberbatch has played yet though some movie buff out there may prove me wrong. At any rate , he does well here as the good doctor.
I enjoyed it. At times it is confusing but the special effects are great and you can start drooling as you space out and look at the pretty colors.
The doc is one of Marvel’s lesser knowns but it appears that the Marvel/Disney alliance (though not sure alliance is the right word) can take even the most obscure Marvel characters and turn them into cinematic gold. (They were able to do it for Ant-Man so a magician must have been a cinch.)
STATUS: Shelf-worthy. Worth it to see it on the big screen as time bends, worlds shift, rules of physics are manipulated and so on. Plus I dig Rachel McAdams and I declare her the hottest of all Marvel superhero girlfriends thus far.
By: Alien Jones, Intergalactic Correspondent
Greetings Earth Losers.
Before I begin, I’d like to say congratulations to America for concluding its presidential election.
You may have thought this election was tough. In fact, it reminded me of the Flaknarkian election of 29292929 for the position of Illustrious Poobah.
The Flaknarkians are a walrus shaped people. The male candidate was an elderly walrus with outlandish hair and the female was also an elderly walrus but she had a penchant for falling down all the time.
Hmm…come to think of it, there wasn’t a lot of difference between that election and yours.
Anyway, if your candidate prevailed, congratulations. If your candidate lost, my condolences.
But whether you are happy are sad by the results of this election, fear not, for it is meaningless, as the Mighty Potentate will most certainly take control of your wretched planet at some point anyway.
You may recall that some time ago my supreme overlord, the Mighty Potentate, declared that Bookshelf Q. Battler is the chosen one, the only writer capable of putting out a book so finely crafted that it would inspire the masses to give up on reality television altogether.
It’s been over a year and alas, BQB has yet to publish a novel.
Ergo, to prevent the spread of reality television across the cosmos, His Potentosity is planning a hostile takeover of your planet should BQB fail in his writing efforts.
In other words, start getting used to the idea of being ruled by the Mighty Potentate because it doesn’t look like BQB will ever get his ass into gear.
But you can help BQB and in so doing, save your planet from the Mighty Potentate’s potent potential.
All you need to do is follow BQB on one of the following time wasting social media sites that aliens invented to cause all of you dumb humans to grow dumber, fatter, lazier and more obnoxious and angry about literally everything.
Oh wait. I’ve said too much.
BQB is an especially Twitterer. In fact, he Tweets as much as your incoming president but he is not as orange.
BQB checks in on Facebok and Wattpad regularly but has been letting Google + slide, though he needs to get back to it soon.
So follow him and then once he writes his book you can help him promote it and in effect, save the world from the Mighty Potentate.
In the meantime, if you see BQB screwing around on this pitiful blog, tell him to get his back ass to work on his novel, for the fate of the world is at stake.
Alien Jones is the Bookshelf Battle Blog’s intergalactic correspondent, graciously lending the power of his brain to answer your questions.
Ask the Alien a question and he may very well plug your book or blog in his answer. Ask questions in the comments or tweet them to @bookshelfbattle
Together, we can promote self-published material and ween the masses off reality television, a form of entertainment that Alien Jones’ boss, the maniacal alien despot known as “The Mighty Potentate” despises so much that he’s plotting an invasion of Earth just to stop it.
Hey 3.5 readers.
BQB here.
Allied looks pretty good. Brad Pitt. Marion Cotillard.
Looks like a modern take on Casablanca.
Check out the trailer:
Happy Veteran’s Day, 3.5 readers.
If you’re looking for something to do today, I recommend the new movie Hacksaw Ridge.
Came across this video from CH2.
Made me feel old as I watched several of these shows regularly, Suddenly Susan, Drew Carey and the Fresh Prince in particular.
I swear to God millenials, there was a time when everyone was happy to see him on TV.
Between that and there was a time when Adam Sandler movies were actually funny, I don’t think people believe me.
Hey 3.5 readers.
Your old pal Bookshelf Q. Battler here.
So my usual disclaimer. I’m not going to talk politics or the pros and cons of one side or the other.
This is a nerd blog for nerd things so I want to talk about social media.
I figured a year ago Trump would win based on one thing:
He had way more Facebook likes and Twitter followers than Hillary.
Really. That’s it.
I don’t remember what it was a year ago but his Facebook and Twitter followers were more than hers and as of today he’s got roughly 4 million more Facebook likes than she does (not an exact figure, I am too lazy to do the exact math but it is close.)
I don’t have Mitt Romney and Barack Obama’s figures from 2012 but I’m willing to bet Barack had more than Mitt.
And I believe this is a sign for all political watchers and armchair quarterbacks to consider:
He or she who has the most follows and likes on social media will win.
Yup. That’s how we will one day end up with President Kardashian.
But I digress.
3.5 READERS: Oh but BQB is the number of social media followers a good way to decide an election?
On the face of it, no, but the social media numbers don’t decide the election. They are an early warning sign that the public digs one candidate more than the other.
Think about it.
Social media starts out as a good idea. You can talk to like your 5 closest friends and family members that you actually want to hear from.
But then to be polite you have to add your third cousin twice removed, your long lost uncle, your pet hamster’s geography teacher’s sister’s yoga instructor.
Before you know it, your Facebook feed is filled with the rantings of tons of asshats saying things you don’t want to hear.
No pet hamster’s geography teacher’s sister’s yoga instructor! I do not give a shit what you ate for lunch today!
Your Facebook feed is valuable virtual real estate in your eyes and you give it away only if you have to.
Ergo, if you really dig a candidate, you’ll click that like so you can get brainwashed by your favorite candidate.
This isn’t a perfect science. I’m not saying someone with less followers will never win but I think that yeah, it does make a win less likely because the candidate with more followers is getting his/her message out to more people.
2008. 2012. 2016. These are the only three presidential elections where social media was a thing. And in each election (though I’m just guessing via McCain vs. Obama and Romney vs. Obama but I believe I’m right) the person with the most follows and likes won.
That’s my theory. Don’t get bogged down into the politics. Just talk about the social media science of it all.
Because as I always say, it doesn’t matter what side of the political aisle you are on, the really important thing is that you all love me and you all come together and buy the books I have yet to write if I ever get around to writing and publishing them.
Hey 3.5 readers.
So I’m thinking I might start small.
I’m going to write 101 writing prompts i.e. scenarios designed to help aspiring writers get their brains going. Read them then be inspired to start writing.
My theory is this will be a short, easy book. Easy to format. It’ll help me learn how to get a book together and get it up and out on Amazon.
Obviously I don’t expect it to be a major hit so I’ll charge the bare minimum and by the end of it I will have learned about getting a book out there and maybe increase a little bit of traffic to this fine website.
So check out those writing prompts and let me know what you think.
EAST RANDOMTOWN – In a startling upset, Acting Mayor Bookshelf Q. Battler has lost his bid for election to a full term.
“Oh thank God,” Acting Mayor Battler said. “I so did not want to do this anymore. It took so much time away from the task I enjoy the most – blogging for the joy of 3.5 readers.”
Mr. Battler was made Acting Mayor during the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse, during which the previous mayor and a previous acting mayor were devoured by zombies.
Surprisingly, Mr. Battler’s opponent, Leo McKoy, famous in town because he alleges that in the 1990s he delivered a sandwich to James Van Der Beek, also lost the race.
“What a load of crap,” candidate McKoy said during his interview as Random Bar, East Randomtown’s most popular drinking establishment. “Good job, suck town. You all really screwed the pooch by not voting for yours truly. Barkeep, another shot.”
It was a very heated campaign. Mr. Battler alleged that Mr. McKoy was not the actual McKoy but was, in fact, a robot and that the real McKoy was devoured by zombies last year.”
“He’s definitely not the real McKoy,” Mr. Battler said. “Huh. That’s catchy. Kind of wish I’d thought of it before the election ended. Oh well.”
In contrast to Mr. Battler’s allegations, Mr. McKoy claimed that Mr. Battler’s blog sucked donkey butt and that it should be banned because it has caused aliens, zombies, the yeti and other assorted rabble to invade the town.
“Bookshelf Q. Battler is the worst thing to happen to East Randomtown since we parted ways with West Randomtown,” Mr. McKoy said.
Meanwhile, the international fuzzy war criminal known simply as, “The Yeti” won a total of 50 write-in votes.
“GRRR!” The Yeti said. “I should run everything and also eat everyone because they are delicious!”
Shocking all the experts was Harvey Smotchenbocker, who won the race with a write-in campaign of his own. In fact, Mr. Smotchenbocker beat Mr. Battler by two votes.
“I forgot to vote and my dear sweet soulmate Video Game Rack Fighter was too busy playing Car Thief Mayhem to make it to the polls,” Mr. Battler explained. “In fact, she’s been playing the same game for twenty-eight hours with no sleep. What a trooper.”
Mr. Battler’s 3.5 readers may remember May0r-Elect Smotchenbocker as the Olympian who represented the United States and East Randomtown in the Rio Olympic Games this summer in the 10K Flatulence competition.
“I enjoyed my time on the professional flatulence circuit, but flatulence is a young man’s game,” Mr. Smotchenbocker said. “It’s time for me to hang up my ass and give back to this town that has given me so little even though I am a class act and I pretend like it has given me so much anyway.”
Asked for his agenda, Mr. Smotchenbocker said he would focus on such initiatives as preserving the environment, clean drinking water, law and order, promoting business and economic opportunities, improving the quality of education and investing in infrastructure.
Mr. Battler and Mr. McKoy, bitter rivals to the end, were united in their disgust of Mayor-Elect Smotchenbocker’s agenda.
“So he’s not going to start a potato bar and build a statue of me delivering a sandwich to James Van Der Beek?” McKoy asked. “Rigged!”
“I agree,” Mr. Battler said. “Smotchenbocker hasn’t even addressed all the leftover zombie carcasses that continue to litter the town.”
When questioned on whether he would support the banishment of the Bookshelf Battle Blog, Mr. Smotchenbocker replied, “I’ve never heard of it. Does anyone read it?”
In other news, Bookshelf Battle Blog Grumpy Old Man Correspondent Uncle Hardass lost his bid for the presidency to New York Real Estate Mogul/Hair Model Donald J. Trump.
“I concede nothing!” Uncle Hardass said. “I will continue my effort to help Americans find jobs by nagging them incessantly until they find employment just so I will stop yelling at them.”
Bookshelf Battle 