Monthly Archives: June 2016

BQB Attempts to Get Spanish Readers with Google Translate

IN ENGLISH:

Hello. I am Bookshelf Q. Battler.

I have a blog with 3.5 readers.

I read books. I write novels. I fight yetis.

My best friend is an alien named “Alien Jones.”

Alien Jones’s boss is the Mighty Potentate. He is an intergalactic dictator.

EN ESPANOL:

Hola. Soy Biblioteca P. Battler .

Tengo un blog con 3,5 lectores .

Leo libros. Escribo novelas . Lucho yetis .

Mi mejor amigo es un alienígena llamado “Alien Jones .”

jefe de Alien Jones es el Poderoso Soberano . Él es un dictador intergaláctico .

NOTE: Anyone know why it changed the Q to a P?

Moving on…

IN ENGLISH:

The Mighty Potentate has demanded that I either write a book so fabulous that it convinces all of mankind to give up reality television or else he will send an army of aliens to conquer the world.

So in other words, the world will probably be conquered by aliens as I take too long to write.

EN ESPANOL:

El Mighty Potentado ha exigido que sea escribir un libro tan fabuloso que convence a toda la humanidad a abandonar televisión de la realidad o de lo contrario se enviará un ejército de alienígenas de conquistar el mundo .

Así, en otras palabras, el mundo probablemente será conquistado por extranjeros como tomo demasiado tiempo para escribir.

IN ENGLISH:

I live in BQB Headquarters with Bookshelf Q. Battle dog, Video Game Rack Fighter, and other assorted characters.

Frequent Blog Contributors include the Yeti, Dr. Hugo Von Science, Anti-Suck Expert Vinny Baggadouchio, Search Engine Optimized Poet, Nerdstradamus, and the exceptionally cranky Uncle Hardass.

Thank you. I hope you will be one of my 3.5 readers.

EN ESPANOL:

Yo vivo en la Sede de BQB con el estante P. Batalla perro, películas y videojuegos en rack de combate , y otros personajes variados.

Colaboradores de blog frecuentes incluyen el Yeti , el Dr. Hugo Von Ciencia , Anti – Suck Experto Vinny Baggadouchio , motor de búsqueda optimizado poeta , Nerdstradamus , y el mal humor excepcionalmente tío Hardass .

Gracias. Espero que sea uno de mis lectores de 3,5 .

NOTE: I cut and pasted this all from Google Translate, so I apologize if any of it was wrong or if any of it translates into something terrible.  I hope I didn’t imply your mothers wear combat boots or anything.

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BQB’s Favorite YouTubers – What’s Inside? – What’s Inside a Wasp Nest?

So the premise is pretty simple.

This guy and his young son cut things open to see what’s inside.

Seems like a fun father/son hobby/bonding activity.

They tape it and then put it on YouTube.

They started last year and already have a million subscribers.

Hmm…kinda makes me wonder if there isn’t a market for wholesomeness in the indie world.

Makes me want to go back and erase every swear from my humble blog.

Nah. Too time consuming.

So anyway, the What’s Inside Dad bought a giant wasp nest…on eBay!

I had to pause for a second to wonder who is dumber, the guy selling wasp nests on eBay or the guy buying them?

I’m going to have to go with the guy who buys them.  I mean, I guess this guy at least got a highly viewed video out of it, but otherwise, if you’re just a random jerk face who bought a wasp nest because you just thought it would be fun to have one then I guess that gu’y selling wasp nests online deserves your money.

I was a little surprised they cut it open inside the house. Even though it was apparently dead (though what a dead vs a live wasp nest looks like is beyond me) I wouldn’t want to take the chance that a million wasps would fly out and then I’m dealing with a wasp infestation forever.

Dad cuts it open. The papery sound, the intricate holes, the eggs and dead wasps still inside, it’s all incredibly gross (so keep that in mind if you get sick easily) but once you get past it I suppose the science of it all and the ability of wasps to do stuff like this is interesting.

So there you go, 3.5 readers.  Just find your niche and you don’t even need act dumb on camera.

Hell you don’t even need to tell everyone you’re a magic bookshelf caretaking yeti fighter.

I mean, I do because I am one but you don’t.

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Epic Fail

I failed to post a daily discussion today, or yesterday by the time people start seeing this post.

And my 3.5 readers did not even scold me!

You’re too kind, 3.5 readers. You’re too kind.

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Search Engine Optimized Poet – Who Bought the Playboy Mansion?

:::Bongo Drum Beats:::

Hey there all you hep cats and hep kittens. Come on down to the East Randomtown Java Bean, where the poets always stink and the cups are never clean.

Next on the mic is the one and only Search Engine Optimized Poet…the only rhyme-smith whose beats bring in the Googler’s feets, ya dig?

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Playboy Mansion! Whoa, Playboy Mansion!

Who in the hell purchased you?

Is Hugh Hefner’s reign really though?

I heard Hugh’s neighbor bought you.

To combine both properties and make one out of two.

Your new owner owns Twinkies, the snack cake filled with cream.

I feel like with that mansion, there are jokes to be made about cream.

Dare I dream?

No it would be too obscene.

Charlie Sheen.

He probably would have liked to live there.

I hope I don’t get eaten by a bear.

What is the best brand of underwear?

Can I go to IKEA to buy a chair?

Stare.

At BQB’s web hits as they go up.

Why does that guy at Starbucks write my name on my cup?

I know who I am. I don’t need to be told twice.

If I borrow my friend’s hat, will I come down with lice?

Nice. Is that a good way to be?

I wouldn’t know.

I spend all my time up a tree.

Yippee. It’s time to take a snooze.

Can someone tell me what is the best brand of mattress to use?

I suppose whichever one I choose.

What is happening in the daily news?

The election.

I should give it an inspection.

To determine the country’s ultimate direction.

Wait a minute. I just found my old playboy mags and got an erection.

Damnation. This whole poem needs an entire course correction.

Confection. It’s a sugary snack.

Can you believe that Jon Snow is back?

I’m the worst poet ever. Truly, a hack.

Talent is something that I utterly lack.

Will Fox ever bring Firefly back?

What are the lyrics to Love Shack?

It was the B-52’s greatest hit.

Back in the 90’s. So long ago. I can’t believe it.

Holy shit. Where did the time go?

Can anyone recommend a site that will teach me to sew?

I don’t know. But I know I ripped my pants.

Because I watched So You Think You Can Dance?

And fooled myself into thinking, “Yes. I do think I can dance.”

Like Lady Gaga, I’m trapped in a bad romance…

…with myself. I don’t know how to leave me.

I have dumped myself a thousand times but I inevitably go back to retrieve me.

I shouldn’t take myself back. I will only deceive me.

Perhaps myself and I should get a divorce.

I could drive away. Myself could leave on a horse.

The Norse. Aren’t they from Norway?

I have hit rock bottom. I have nothing left to say.

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Daily Discussion with BQB – Should Apocalypse Have Strangled Mystique?

Oh Monday. How you sneak up on me and my 3.5 readers.

The latest debate in the nerdosphere is whether or not Apocalypse should have strangled Mystique.

Read more about it in Variety.

So if you’re not a nerd, there’s a new X-Men movie out, X-Men: Apocalypse.

The plot is that the meanest mutant of all time has been lying dormant for thousands of years, but is back and ready to conquer the world.

To promote the film, Fox put out posters featuring Apocalypse strangling Mystique (the blue bodied, orange haired shapeshifter that dudes dig because she sort of walks around naked all the time except she doesn’t have nipples or a butt crack so it’s like Marvel found a loophole to have a naked chick walk around in their movies.)

Rose McGowan, who used to be on Charmed but I can’t think of anything she’s done lately, took offense, complaining on the Interwebs that this promoted violence against women.

Eh…here’s my two cents.

Could the studio have chosen a different image to promote the movie?

Yes.

Did I notice a problem until Rose McGowan said something about it?

No.

And you could say that maybe that means I’m oblivious to the plight of violence against women but rather, I’d say you women folk have done a fine job of training me like a dog to recognize women as equals.

I saw these ads around and it didn’t pop into my mind “Oh geez. Violence against a woman.”

Nope. All I really thought was  “Cool. New X-Men movie.” And if anything, I thought, “Wow. Looks like Mystique’s in a bit of a pickle with this new bad guy.”

In other words, I didn’t see the ad so much as portraying violence against a woman but rather, a superhero taking on a super villain, combined with the thought that this villain is the worst the X-Men have ever faced as even the powerful ninja shapeshifter Mystique is getting bested.

That’s what we want, right? We want Mystique to be considered just as big a bad ass as Cyclops or Wolverine, don’t we?

When I saw this ad I didn’t think “Damn it. A woman is getting abused.”

I thought, “Holy shit! Apocalypse is the scariest villain ever! If even the great and powerful Mystique can’t handle him then surely we are all fucked royally! Everyone run for your lives! Apocalypse is coming! Get me to this movie so I can see just how evil Apocalypse is and how fucked all the X-Men are, whether or not they have penises or vaginas, all X-Men are truly fucked when this monstrous villain comes along!”

I don’t mean to complain but in my opinion, there’s just never been a time like the present where men have no idea what to do to keep women happy.

Consider:

  1.  It is sexist to show Mystique getting roughed up by a male villain.
  2. It would also be sexist to tell Mystique she needs to sit out the fight because she’s a fragile delicate woman who couldn’t possibly defeat a man.

So…what the heck do we do then?

Equality is great and all but I have to admit there have been some times when I fear that women, in their quest for equality, may have abandoned some things that actually made them better than men.

Case in point. Ronda Rousey.  Most popular female UFC fighter ever. Trained in martial arts. Can beat up the strongest dudes with her pinky finger.

Good for her and all but sometimes I’ll see female UFC fighters knocking the crap out of each other and wonder if maybe, just maybe, “knocking the crap out of each other” might have been one of those male concepts that women would have been better off had they not aspired to.

Yes, you women have the right to beat each other up in a UFC fight, but why do you want to?

I’m a man and I don’t even want to fight anyone.

But I also understand that not every man and/or woman is the same. Not every man and/or woman wants to be a fighter.

It just becomes hard for me to know what to say.  If women are clamoring for more female superheroes (“Rah rah, we can fight evil just like the men!”) then you can’t have it both ways.

You can’t demand more female superheroes, put those superheroes in a position where they have to fight evil, then cry foul or “Hey! You’re being mean to a woman!” if the big bad villain knocks the female superhero around.

Because honestly, it would be easy to start getting a little old school on this.  I’d rather not see women get beaten up on screen, so if women don’t want that to happen, then we can just start a movement for women to no longer be superheroes. (I’m just trying to prove a point. I don’t want women to stop being superheroes.)

Then again, I also realize this is all fantasy.  Men don’t have superpowers either. But these films are make believe.  We’re expected to suspend disbelief and assume these men and women have superpowers.  We shouldn’t look at the men or the women as being mere fragile humans but rather superheroes with great abilities.

It’s playing pretend. These films let us fantasize about how great life would be for us if we had special powers and since these movies are open to everyone, the fantasy is easier to indulge in when each movie goer sees someone who they can relate to. Men can fantasize about being male heroes. Women can fantasize about female superheroes and so on.

Eh. I can see all the points on this. Perhaps that didn’t need to be the image they put out everywhere.

Otherwise, I don’t know women.  Yes, they are many douchey men out there who get off on violence against women.

On the other hand, the majority of average, trying to do the right thing men will probably do whatever you want, because let’s face it, that’s what we do anyway.

You want us to treat you as fragile and keep you out of the superhero fights? We will. (I say we like I’m some kind of studio exec that can make this happen.)

But if you want to be superheroes and fight evil villains alongside male superheroes then that’s great too.

Just keep in mind villains like Apocalypse don’t believe in chivalry.  Apocalypse isn’t going to think, “Huh. Mystique’s a woman so maybe I ought to go easier on her.”

No. Apocalypse is going to think, “This is a do-gooder superhero who is trying to get between me and my plans for world domination so I better stop her.”

Look, I don’t want to get carried away, it’s just that at the end of the day, Mystique getting strangled by Apocalypse means she’s been accepted in the world of superheroes.

Wolverine, Cyclops, Gambit, Professor X, Nightcrawler – shit. Ask any of them and they’ll tell you that getting strangled by a villain is just a hazard of the job.

You could argue it would have been sexist for Mystique to not have been strangled by Apocalypse.

Apocalypse beats up all the male heroes and then pats Mystique on the head and says, “Take a break honey?”

Please. Had that happened I would have contacted a civil rights lawyer immediately to help me voice my anti-sexism concerns.

What say you, 3.5 readers?

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Game of Thrones Recap – Season 6, Episode 7 – The Broken Man

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Gratuitous boobies. So many gratuitous boobies.

SPOILER ALERT!

Wow. So much going on. This season really is firing on all cylinders.

The Hound lives! What a twist. Special guest appearance by Ian McShane. I was hoping he’d be on the show longer though.

Interesting what the show does with religion. You’ve got followers of whatever the 7 Gods religion is that then you have followers of the Lord of Light. Looks like the Hound isn’t going to let it go.

Margery is clearly up to something but I can’t figure it out yet.

The Blackfish vs. The Kingslayer. Quite a matchup. Hard exactly to figure out who to root for.

You’ve got the Blackfish avenging his slain niece, Catlyn Stark. But then there’s been a slow but steady progression to make Jamie less douchey so who knows.

I’m left to wonder if Jamie’s progress towards a non-douche lifestyle will one day put him at odds with his sister/lover Cersei, the biggest she-douche ever.

The Stark kids really coming into their own. Sansa and Jon Snow looking and dressing like their father used to, doing all kinds of negotiations and shit.

Arya! Oh my God. This is the first season where spoilers aren’t really out there so I crapped my pants.

This show pushes the limits too much when it comes to kids though.

I mean the show has a lot of gratuitous sex violence and though thankfully the kids aren’t around in the scenes where that happens, it’s weird that you’ll see kids in other scenes in a show that has that.

Except the violence against kids taboo was broken as Arya got totally stabbed. I don’t like to see anyone stabbed but especially a kid.

Assumedly she’ll recover but still.  And it’s too bad the Faceless Man group whatever they are called have decided to become so douchetastic.

But ultimately, I wish the show would be more careful to keep the kids out of the more disturbing parts of the show.

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How the West Was Zombed – Chapter 106

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The night gave way to morning. The dark sky slowly shifted to a light gray as a red sun peaked over the horizon.

Had Slade and Miles not been paying so much attention to their footing as they walked down the line of box cars, they might have enjoyed watching a beautiful sunrise.

Miles stopped when he realized that inside his mind he was no longer alone.

“I surely do feel sorry for you young’uns.”

Zeke.

Realizing something was amiss, Slade stopped walking. As a human, he was oblivious to the conversation.

“I reckon some things will never change,” Zeke continued. “My grandpappy used to warn me about strife he’d been through but despite his best efforts he was never able to keep me from making the same mistakes he did.”

Miles sniffed the air. He put a paw on Slade and nudged him back a few feet.

“And you’re just like I was,” Zeke said. “It’s not enough to tell you that you’ll get an ass whupping. You actually need to experience the whupping.”

“Miles,” Slade said. “What’s the hold up?”

Slade’s question was answered when a furry gray fist punched through the metal roof just in front of him.

A second paw emerged and a hole was torn until it was large enough for Zeke to emerge in all his gray, mangy glory.

Zeke hauled his arm back and socked Miles in the face, sending the young werewolf flying backwards.

Slade was about to come to his friend’s aid when Zeke’s two henchwolves popped out of the hole.

“Know your role, boy!” Zeke said as he tromped towards Miles. “The alpha leads and the pack follows. That’s the way it’s always been and it’s the way it will always be.”

Groans and snarls bellowed out of the hole in the roof. Hands, feet and other body parts poked out. The zombies had been packed to the roof and they were itching to get their mitts on Slade’s brain.

One henchwolf lunged at Slade only to take a silver tipped bullet straight to the head. The beast’s carcass fell into the open hole which led to a symphony of crunching bones and unruly growls as the zombies in the boxcar had their fill.

The second henchwolf was more wily. He knocked Slade down and dragged him close to the open roof, preparing to toss his victim into the zombie infested box car so he could be eaten alive.

Slade found himself in an unenviable predicament. A werewolf’s loathsome sharp teeth filled face was hovering over him, dropping drool all over his face. Meanwhile, zombie hands were reaching out of the hole, desperately trying to grab onto any piece of flesh they could find.

Blam! Slade blew the henchwolf’s brains out then scrambled away just in time to avoid being flattened by the enormous carcass.

Zombie hands felt around until they gripped the deceased henchwolf’s foot and dragged him into the pit. The car rocked as the zombies fought over all that werewolf meat.

Slade stood up and turned around. Zeke had wrapped his paw around Miles’ throat and had lifted the young werewolf into the air. Miles was kicking his feet to and fro, struggling with his hands to free himself to no avail.

Miles!” Slade shouted. “Just be yourself!

The young werewolf shot a confused look at Slade, annoyed at what he thought was a sappy sentiment.

Slade gripped his pistol by the end and hauled his arm back. “No! Be…your…self!!!”

“Did you honestly think a pathetic little whelp like you could ever challenge an alpha king?” Zeke asked. “Swear your allegiance to me this instant or I’ll tear you apart!”

Miles transformed into his normal boy form. His body became so small that he slipped right out of Zeke’s grip. Before the King could figure out what to do, Slade tossed his pistol.

The boy caught it. He pointed it at Zeke’s head, pulled the trigger, and the King fell dead.

“Sorry,” Miles said. “But I’m a Freeman.”

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Daily Discussion with BQB – Plagiarism and Self-Publishing

Happy Sunday 3.5 Readers.

BQB here to talk about an article in The Atlantic – Stealing Books in the Age of Self-Publishing by Joy Lanzendorfer.

The article discusses how it is too easy for some unscrupulous people to take the works of others, change them around a little bit and then pass them off as their own, profiling authors who have had this happen to them.

Apparently it happens more often than people realize, and it isn’t always so blatant that is easily discovered. Sometimes plagiarized books are up for awhile and as the article notes, it is usually a plucky reader that spots the similarities and alerts the author.

 

To make this a BQB Daily Discussion, what are some ways that self-publishers can protect themselves from such chicanery?

 

 

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Pick a New Theme for Bookshelf Battle

Happy Saturday 3.5 Readers.

I’m shopping for new themes. Take a look at some of them with me, will you?

After all, as my 3.5 readers, you’ll need to be as satisfied as I am:

#1 – NEWSMAG  – I like it but I’m not sure why the menu is there twice. This has been pretty much been my experience. I find something that seems acceptable but for one weird little thing:

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#2 – WILSON – Hmm.  I like posting various funny pictures right at the top of my blog, often pictures of the “bookshelf battles” occurring on my magic bookshelf. For the 3.5 people who read this blog, it really ties the theme together.

Otherwise, the theme is crisp, uncluttered, it does pull Twitter, Facebook feeds and other widgets up to the left instead of leaving them buried at the bottom like my current theme does.

I guess the tradeoff is the main photo becomes smaller and off to the left instead of prominently at the top.  Ironically, the photo does appear at the top on tablets and phones.

It’s free, so that’s a plus.  I do prefer the menu at the top but I think the design so clearly helps the user to distinguish what’s the written content and what’s the menu content that it’s not a concern.

Hmm. This one’s a contender.

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#3 – HIVE – This one needs two photos. First, it didn’t cut off “my” face but rather it all just comes out to big to come out in one screenshot. Take my word that my head is there and you just scroll down through a pretty sweet funny photo and bold headline before you get to the meat of the blog.

“BQB you wanted a blog that has a prominent photo and bold headline.”

That I do. That’s what intrigues me. It is like $150 which I don’t relish spending but I guess if it’s something I enjoy doing I guess I can sacrifice some dough for my 3.5 readers.

If you move to the second photo, you’ll see the posts come out in a newspaper like format.  Side by side, crisp columns.

You end up with a blog roll where many, many of more posts are clickable before you get to the bottom of the roll and have to click next to get to the back log.

No one ever clicks next.  So more posts before you reach the end could attract more than 3.5 readers.

So I’ll call what’s on the front page “teasers.” You basically get a paragraph of the post and then when you click it you get the whole thing.

I’m not sure why my photos don’t show up in the teasers but they do show up in the post itself when you reach it.

I’m not too worried about that because I have read other blogs where photos are in the teasers so there must be a way.

I’m on the fence on this one. It’s very beautiful. It does come with a lot of features that seem like they’d increase the ole click-a-roos.

But I feel like no one understands the concept of my blog as it is. It’s a blog about a nerd with a magic bookshelf who engages in all manner of nerdy hi jinx while he pursues a career as a novelist to appease an alien dictator.

Does this format make it a newspaper about all that above?

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#4 – PENSCRATCH – Oh my God. It’s got the prominent headline. It’s got the menu at the top. It’s got the menu at the top. It’s got the place for the funny header photo.

The shopping list is complete! But…shit. Is it me or is that font very light? It looks like what happens when someone tries to write with lemon juice on paper.

If I can figure out how to darken up the font and maybe come up with some spiffier fonts this one could also be a contender.

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CONCLUSIONS –

My gut is telling me to go with WILSON but I can also see the argument that PENSCRATCH is the closest to what I have now and perhaps I shouldn’t take my stinky socks off in the bottom of then ninth. Not crazy about that light font though.

Sheesh. Picking a new theme is like picking a mistress. Chunk’s like my toothless, frazzled hair wife. Sure, she’s not the best, but she’s always there for me and gets the job done.

If I’m going to leave her I want it to be for a super model that’s really going to rev my engine but it just seems like I’m trading one toothless wife for another toothless wife.

I’m from the 90’s. I can say things like this.

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BQB Applies Muhammad Ali’s Confident Trash Talking Skills to Blog Promotion

I am BQB and I am the Greatest Blogger who ever lived. I type a butterfly and post like a bee, you cannot ignore the words that your eyes already see.

I am the world’s fastest blogger. Fast with my fingers. I type so fast I make flames jump out of my keyboard. I keep the fire department on standby whenever I feel a musing coming on.

I write faster than a cheetah can breakdance. The other day I wrote a post so fast it broke the space time continuum. People read it before I even finished writing it.

If you match my typing fingers up against a bullet train, I’ll beat the bullet train every time.

I once blogged so fast that I made the earth rotate backwards just as Superman did when he turned back time.

The only way it could be fair for me to blog against the rest of you bums would be if I were to tie my best blogging hand behind my back. Tie them both back there for all I care. I can type better with my nose than most people can with their digits.

My blog posts are intriguing. They’re so intriguing that if you took every episode of Murder She Wrote, wrapped them up in soft taco shell made out of flour ground from the collective works of Stephen King and sautéed the whole mess in a sauce comprised of Agatha Christie’s sweat, the entire ensuing entree would not contain one quarter of the intrigue found in one of my posts.

People always be talking about The Huffington Post. You reporters are more crooked than an MC Escher staircase for writing that The Huffington Post puts my blog to shame.

The Huff Po may talk a lot of jive but I got the best readers and they number one, two, three point five.

I will blog circles around Huff Po.  I’m up posting ten articles before the Huff Po drags its stinking ass out of bed in the morning and I’m tweeting the links to my stuff before the Huff Po has its morning coffee.

That’s right I also tweet like a butterfly too.

People always be talking about how Perez Hilton is a better pop culture blogger than me. Perez Hilton couldn’t blog his way out of a wet paper bag. Man draws dicks on celebrity faces and he acts like that makes him a comedy genius or something. I can draw a better dick on a celebrity face any time anywhere.

All you reporters asking me if I think I can out blog Icanhascheesburger?

Please. I don’t care how cute and adorable those kitties are. I will slap the cheeseburgers right out their stupid mouths and send them to bed without supper.

No, you furry bastards, no you cannot have cheeseburger.

Can I out gawk Gawker? You better believe it. I have never been sued by Hulk Hogan and even though that’s because Hulk Hogan is not one of my 3.5 readers I can still say I have never been sued by Hulk Hogan. Pretty much everyone else out there can say that too but still. It’s a miraculous accomplishment to not have been sued by Hulk Hogan. I wear my lack of a Hulk Hogan suit like a badge of honor.

The Drudge Report? “Oh look at me I’m Matt Drudge I’ve been HTML coding my own blog since the 90s.” Dude, please. I’m too busy creating blogs that break the surly bonds of the stratosphere to code my own HTML. I let those turkeys at WordPress do all my HTML coding for me.

I’ll hand it to Matt that he blew the lid off the whole Monica Lewinsky scandal but had I been around in the 90s there would have never been a scandal because Monica would have been too infatuated with me, as most women are.

TMZ?  No. People prefer BQB. And when I say people, I’m talking about your wives, because once you go nerd, it’s the best you’ve ever heard.

3.5 hits may be the only clicks I gets but they’re also the only clicks I’ll ever need.

Because when you have the greatest 3.5 readers in the world then you are truly the greatest.

And finally, every blogger other than me is ugly. The greatest blogger in the world should be as pretty as me.

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