Monthly Archives: April 2016

State of the Bookshelf Address – 4/27/16

Sigh.1371251154

This was going to be the year that I was going to get a book self-published.

Now it is almost May and I don’t see that happening.

I’m 65,000 words into How the West Was Zombed.  That’s a new record.  And I can surely get that first draft done this year…but now my gut says in for a penny, in for a pound, I might as well write my next two sequel ideas and then edit and package them and put them all out together.

That could take like, another year.  Crap.

I’ll have to see where I’m at when I’m done with Zombed.  Perhaps I could rewrite it, edit it and publish it and then if people seem to like it, I can write the sequel.

Yet, my gut still tells me to write all three at once.

My gut also tells me I might waste a lot of time on an idea no one likes.

My gut is such a two-faced bitch.

There are a lot of things I am pleased with myself when it comes to Zombed.

Gunther and his sassy old-timer wisdom.

Doc the know it all and his mission to educate the world on the curative properties of cocaine (because, you know, he is an 1800’s doctor after all.)

The love affair between Doc and Annabelle surprised me…Anabelle was meant to be a throwaway character without much development and now I find myself more enthralled with Doc and Annabelle’s romance than the love triangle between Slade, Miss Bonnie and the Widow Farquhar.

Sigh.  Zombed was meant to be a stand alone.  A quickie to give me the experience of getting a self published book under my belt by the end of the year.  An experiment in figuring out what can go right and wrong in self publishing.

But now that it is May and the draft isn’t done yet I feel like I blew it.

Yet, I also feel like I’m at a “it will be done” rather than “will it be done?” phase, which is new for me.

When Zombed is done, I think I will turn my attention towards:

A) Writing the Zombed sequel.

B) Writing a stand-alone book.  And I MEAN STANDALONE.  A book with a beginning, middle and an end, a plot worth it enough to keep turning the pages but not so complicated that I have to sit down with a flow chart and a slide rule the way I’ve been doing with Zombed lately.

And basically what I will do is work on Zombed sequel, then when I get stuck about what happens next, work on the other standalone.

And I’ll share it all on the blog for your comments…and I’ll probably work less on all the funny lists etc. to make more time for novel writing.

I’m not sure what the standalone will be about….ironically, it may be a comedy in modern times about one family’s efforts to deal and come to terms with each other’s bullshit…during a zombie apocalypse.

Sigh.  I never set out to be a zombie guy though.  But in my mind the story has a clear beginning, middle and end and no bizarrely complicated plot about a vampire corporation mucking things up.

This has been hard.  I have so many ideas.  And my ideas are like my babies and when I can’t get them all written it is like I’m abandoning my babies.

At the same time, I do intend to some day move forward with Pop Culture Mysteries.  That film noir private detective style is just so, so much fun for me.

I’ll get to Jake’s hi jinx some day, I guess.

And there are ideas I’ve yet to even share.  There’s one so utterly complicated and befuddling I’m not even sure I’m a good enough writer to write it yet but I hope to get there some day.

Anyway, thanks 3.5 readers.  Stats have been breaking 100 the past two days, the search engines are bringing in like 50 hits a day on their own the past week or so.

This is one of few pursuits I’ve stuck with in life because of the ever improving results.

I mean, the results aren’t that great, I only have 3.5 readers…but in 2014 I only had 1.5 readers.

30.5 readers by 2020, baby.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Steampunk

shutterstock_204687259

Ah, the Victorian Age!

When gadgets were powered by steam and operated by cranks and levers and wheels and other such bullshit.

Some people are so enamored with the late 1800’s that they wish they could live there.

Heck, your girlfriend acts like that all the time.

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be a Steampunk.

10.  When she asks if you want to get high, that usually means she’s offering you a ride in her airship.  (Although it could also be a pot reference.  Steampunks aren’t necessarily against the idea of steaming up a spliff once in awhile…)

9.  Wears goggles everywhere, for no apparent reason, even when they are not necessary.  Alas, you can’t see her beautiful eyes or tell what she’s thinking about.  (Hint: it’s probably steam.)

8.  Demands that you also convert all of your gadgets to steam power.  You thought your PC was slow before, try it when you have to turn a damn crank to get it running.

7.  Her name is something wacky, like Ezmeralda Fibbleteegibbett or Lady Shamalamadingdong.  Still refuses to take your name if you two get married.

6.  Wears a top hat everywhere, even in the boudoir, which seemed interesting at first but now in the dark it just feels too much like you’re hooking up with Abraham Lincoln.

5.  When people ask you what the hell a steampunk is, she gets mad at you when you reply, “I don’t know.  It’s a blend of sci-fi and historical fiction in which modern devices are powered through late 1800’s steam based technology, and often all of this shit happens on a damn airship?”

She shouldn’t be mad at you because that answer was straight up spot on, yo.

4.  She’s probably British.  Every British person is, in secret, a steampunk plotting to take back the US colonies through steam powered weaponry.

3.  Offered to bring some risqué steam powered uh, devices, into the bedroom.  Sounded fun at first, but now you realize your crank isn’t the one that is going to be turned…

Plus, how the hell is that steam engine going to fit in your house?

2.  Gets mad if you suggest changing it up once in awhile by using gas and/or electricity and/or some damn Duracells because “I don’t have all day to turn this crank, Steampunk Girlfriend!”

  1.  She might not be a steampunk.  She could just be a woman with a fake British accent who buys her clothes at Hot Topic and wanted a look other than goth for a change.

At any rate, bless you sir, and your steampunk girlfriend, for with her, every day will now be an adventure…in the skies…with steam!

Seriously, enough with the steam already.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Search Engine Optimized Poet – What is Beyonce’s Lemonade About?

:::Bongo Drum Beats:::

Hey there all you hep cats and hep kittens. Come on down to the East Randomtown Java Bean, where the poets always stink and the cups are never clean.

Next on the mic is the one and only Search Engine Optimized Poet…the only rhyme-smith whose beats bring in the Googler’s feets, ya dig?

Lemonade!  Whoa, Lemonade!

What is Beyonce’s new album all about?

Is Rachel Roy “Becky with good hair?”

Of that can there be any doubt?

Or is it about black female power?

Hell, is it just about a tasty yellow drink that is sour?up-korora-beatnik-800px

I swear I don’t know and I have been at this for an hour.

Hair!  Becky with good hair!

Who in the heck could you be?

Where can I find you, Becky oh Becky, are you way up high in a tree?

HBO!  Whoa, HBO!  Why are there so many good shows on you?

When Melisandre turned into an elderly hag, I swear I almost made a Number Two.

Melisandre’s necklace!  Whoa, Melisandre’s necklace!

Every time I say it BQB’s blog stats sore.

Melisandre’s necklace! Whoa, Melisandre’s necklace!

Haven’t I seen Melisandre without her necklace on before?

Snore.  I can’t get to sleep.

Where can I buy a used truck or a Jeep?

Is it very hard to raise sheep?

Where is Jimmy Hoffa? Was he buried too deep?

Creep.  So I’m creepin’ on the down low,

‘Cept nobody’s supposed to know.

Oh Lisa Left Eye Lopes,

You took my heart with you when you did go.

Joe.  I need a good strong cup.

And maybe later I’ll drink a 7-Up.

Did you know Orlando Jones used to be the 7-Up guy?

Crap. I’m so old now I could cry.

But why?  Why is Gwen Stefani the best member of No Doubt?

And please, won’t someone tell me what Beyonce’s Lemonade Album is all about?

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

An Ode to a Hot Zombie Chick

A Collaborative Effort Between Bookshelf Q. Battler and Search Engine Optimized Poet

Dedicated to anyone who has ever been through the sad experience of seeing their bae turned into a damn zombie.  One day we’ll find that zombie-ism cure.

shutterstock_142239163

Hot Zombie Chick

Hot zombie chick!  Whoa, hot zombie chick!

How I once wished you’d love me for my brain.

Oh, but not like this, dear hot zombie chick.

How can I even explain?

Hot zombie chick! Whoa, hot zombie chick!

Please oh won’t you please go away?

You never wanted to date me when you were alive.

Why should I let you eat me now that you are in a state of decay?

Hot zombie chick. Whoa, hot zombie chick!

Please wont’t you please stop nibbling my ear!

Hot zombie chick. Whoa, hot zombie chick!

Please. You fill me with fear!

Hot zombie chick, come on, I’m no longer feeling’ ya.

Besides if we did it, I’m sure it would be necrophilia.

How Zombie chick!  Whoa, hot zombie chick!

Former blonde goddess who laughed in my general direction.

Once the cause of so many erections,

Now you want to leave me dead for the medical examiner’s inspection but…

No!  No hot zombie chick!  You can’t have my heart and eat it too.

My spleen is mine and I’m keeping my kidneys, so shoo!

Did your parts just fall off?  What the heck are these?

Hot zombie chick, please, I don’t want to shoot you.

And yes, it will be so hard for me to boot you,

In the opposite direction but please, I say this with a frown,

For where you need to go, is to the next town.

We need to see other people, it is so sad for me to explain,

That the mature thing for you to do here would be to eat another man’s brains.

Go, hot zombie chick, go and I beg you, please never look back.

I don’t want you to see me cry, as I so envy the next man you will attack.

FIN

Tagged , , , , , , ,

150 Hits Yesterday for this Blog

Hey Nerds,

The Bookshelf Battle Blog got 150 hits yesterday.  I rarely break 100 so that’s awesome and it was largely because of my Melisandre post.  A lot of people are searching the Interwebs for information about Melisandre’s necklace, what will she do for Jon Snow, has she ever been seen without the necklace, etc.

“Kim Kardashian’s boobs?” Sorry.  That’s just straight up pandering the search engine optimization and unlike the user of “free penis enlargement pills” I won’t stand at attention for that nonsense, thank you very much.

Tagged , , ,

Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might Be Cersei

1e1ee43764cae56bcdd0c15dd0db1c35fae151b0d6e1bd7b33f7715de6f2c02e

Hipster Cersei

Hey dude.

Look, I don’t want to cause any trouble but if you ask me your girlfriend and her brother seem just a little bit too uh…close, if you catch my drift.

From BQB HQ in fabulous East Randomtown, here are the Top Ten Warning Signs Your Girlfriend Might be Cersei Lannister:

(SPOILERS!)

10.  She keeps it in the family…and we’re not talking about money.  We’re talking about the royal boo-tay.

9.  She and her brother always have some excuse to be alone together.  And then whenever you walk in on them unannounced, they immediately start buttoning up their clothes and shout, “We weren’t humping!”

Which is odd because if they weren’t humping why would they feel the need to tell you that they weren’t humping?

If you ask me, a brother and sister trying to cover up their illicit humping might actually go out of their way to inform you that they weren’t humping just to cover their tracks.

Confusing, I know, but Cersei is crafty so you have to be on the ball to catch her in the midst of a brother hump.

8.  Speaking of craftiness, she is convinced that her life would be a hundred times better if she had been born with a penis.  She believes she’s cunning and intelligent and if it weren’t for the lowly status of women in this fantasy realm, she’d be kicking ass and taking names thanks to her penis.

I’m just going to throw it out there.  I’ve met a few women who were convinced that but for a penis, they’d be like the rulers of the world and no…I’m sorry.  Maybe that was true fifty years ago but a penis just isn’t worth as much as it used to be.

Penis value deflation is a bitch.  Talk to your local penile economics expert for more information.

7.  And while we are on this subject, she really isn’t as crafty as she thinks she is.  She is always plotting schemes and then the schemes always blow up in her face, leaving her in trouble, or in the custody of a religious zealot or some shit.

7.  But let’s face it.  She’s hot so you put up with a lot of bullshit.  You certainly wouldn’t stay in a relationship with a stuck-up conceited brother humper if she were ugly, would you?

You would?  You are a better man than I, sir.

6.  Besides being a brother humper she’s also a cousin humper.  Cousin Lancel?  Are you freaking kidding me?

Look, disgusting and immoral as it is, at least Jaime Lannister is the most handsome and skilled knight in the entire realm. You could almost make an argument that Cersei wasn’t able to help herself.

But Lancel? Shit, that girl is a freak who is hung up on getting busy with her relatives and her ass needs to get to a medieval shrink posthaste.

5.  Hey, I’m all for women’s rights and female empowerment.  But Cersei is one of those chicks who’s all like, “Women’s rights! Whatever a man can do I can do better!” and then the second the shit hits the fan she looks to her father to bail her out with his money and then humps her brother and/or cousin if her brother isn’t available.

4.  She’s kind of like the worst friend in your group.  Every group of friends has the worst friend.  She’s the one that everyone hates and no one wants to invite to shit but you keep doing it because she’s been around so long that everyone is used to her and oddy enough, even though she’s totally the worst you’d still miss her.

3.  Walks the walk of shame like a champ.  Hollywood’s ability to superimpose her head on a stunt naked lady is impressive…a real breakthrough in the field of hot chick head splicing on hot chick body technology.  Real advanced CGI stuff.

2.  Your kids look nothing like you…but they all bear a striking resemblance to…her brother!

  1.  Like a dummy, you pull a Ned Stark and tell her you’re going to expose her brother humpery.  Bad move.  Off with your head.  (What, too soon?)
Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Melisandre’s Necklace

Hey 3.5 Readers.

vagina1

Preach on, Sir Davos.

OK before we begin…this post is dark and full of spoilers.

SPOILERS!  The whole show will be ruined so if you haven’t seen it or last night’s episode yet, read no further.

OK.  Are the hardcore nerds who are up to date with their watching here?

Cool.  Now we can talk without those wannabe nerds bothering us.

“Waah I didn’t get to watch Game of Thrones because I was busy out having a life waaah.”

Anyway, so there was a big Red Woman reveal last night.  We learned that the necklace she always wears is really magical and when she takes it off, she’s not really a hot chick but in fact is a hideous old hag crone who is losing her hair and has big ole floppy knockers.

Look that just happens.  It may not have even been the necklace.  Sometimes you’re in da club.  The lights are down low.  You meet a chick who looks like a fly ass hunnie only to get her back to your crib and under the lights she is a hideous crone.

But ok.  It was the necklace.

And the Interwebs are blowing up with nerd protest.

Carice van Houten, the actress who plays Melisandre, has been sporting her Dutch oven on this show for years now, getting naked to seduce Stannis, using her evil vagina to egg him on in his quest for the Iron Throne, tricking Gendry into letting his guard down so she could stab him and take his royal blood, birthing smokey shadow assassins out of her enchanted cooter and so on.

Bottomline this chick has been naked on the show a lot and nerds have been taking this as an excuse to go back and rewatch clips of naked Melisandre to catch her without the necklace on yet still looking hot.

I’m not going to post a photo of a naked witch on this site because I have standards.  Yes, I’m writing a zombie western novel filled with swears and violence but I have to draw the line somewhere and I draw it at posting photos of naked Dutch women and their Double Dutches.

Maybe that’s why they call it the Netherlands, because women are always showing off their nether regions.

Amsterdam it, I’m all out of Dutch nudity puns.

e26be0d29e33e4192ac2533dd0f032657db381ca7070929d080d14fed4fa98d6

Yes.  Yes it is.  And as you can see, she’s wearing the anti-hag necklace here, but if you Google “Melisandre naked” you’ll see photos of her sans-necklace, still looking hot, in the tub before she killed Gendry, for example.

Note I have never performed such a Google search and frankly you should not either. I am ashamed of you for even thinking about it.  Weirdo.

Is this a case where we are all nerds who should just shut up?

Be quiet you nerds…this is a minor insignificant detail.  And if you really need an explanation then uh…she was lying in magic anti-hag bathwater.

Eh.  We nerds like things to be right is the problem.

The show runners had a big challenge.  Bring back Jon Snow with the Red Woman’s help.

Yet, people on the Red Woman’s side have been dying around her all the time and she’s never used magic to help them.

So it couldn’t be something she could do over and over…it had to be something she could only do once.

Hence, a magic necklace that can cheat death.  The Red Woman has been using it to cheat death for a long time and is much older than we thought, and so enthralled is she with Jon Snow that I theorize she’ll put her death cheating necklace on him so that he may live, thus making the ultimate sacrifice as she will then eventually die from her elderly crone-ism.

And then alas, we fans will never again see Melisandre assassinate someone with the dark magic of her evil vagina, unless it is in our dreams and/or nightmares, depending on your opinion of witches with dark vagina magic.

Are we big nerds for debating this?  Or is it just a minor detail that we have to let go?

Could they have come up with something else?  Maybe a ring that makes her young, something she had all the time but we never noticed.

And holy shit if this is where the show is going then Jon Snow will have to wear a lady’s choker for the rest of his days.

He has the looks to pull it off but still…

NOTE: I didn’t make these memes and don’t claim ownership of them obviously. I just assume when they are floating around the Internet amongst fans then it is cool to use them.

Note that is an assumption though and I can’t tell you if it is ok for you to use them.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

Top Ten Places to Ride Out a Zombie Apocalypse

 

shutterstock_99981176.jpg

Hey 3.5 readers.

BQB here.  As a noted zombiologist/survivor of the East Randomtown Zombie Apocalypse, I’ve learned a thing or two about the undead.

To help you, the general public (or at least 3.5 of you), here is a list of places I’d advise you to get your butts to in the event of a zombie apocalypse.

Tell me if I’m right or wrong and also if there are places I forgot about that you feel would offer decent sanctuary from the zombie hordes.

10.  Supermarket or Combination Supermarket/All-Purpose Store i.e. Wal-Mart-esque Type Stores

Lots of food.  Lots of tools and equipment.  Eat the perishables first.  Packaged and canned food will last a lot longer.

My group and I were pretty cozy in the East Randomtown Price Town.  Alas, we had to leave to save my pain in the butt ex-girlfriend, Blandie, but hey, as a stand-up guy, sometimes you’ve gotta do what you gotta do.

9.  Hospital

Medical equipment, which unless you are a doctor or nurse, you won’t know how to use any of it.  But, there will be medical supplies that you could at least attempt to you.  If you have to fumble your way through helping a survivor using what little medical knowledge you have, you’ll obviously do better with supplies than without them.

Plus, let’s hope some doctors and/or nurses stayed in the hospital and they can help you and your buddies when you are injured in anti-zombie combat.

Of course, there’s no curing a zombie bite.  That’s just science. As the evil Dr. Hugo tells us, you can’t argue with science.

I’m still not talking to that evil mad scientist douche.

8.  Beach

Put the ocean or a large lake at your back and you only have to worry about zombies attacking your front.

Unless the zombies learn how to swim…muah ha ha….

7.  Playboy Mansion

If we’re all doomed anyway, might as well go out in style whilst oggling scantily clad supermodels.

Plus, in the midst of a zombie apocalypse with chances of being eaten are high, those babes might loosen their standards.

Suddenly nerds like us start to look pretty good.

3.5 lady readers, we’ll invite some hunky dudes for you…but they have to stay on the other end of the mansion.  We can’t let the supermodel babes think they have options.

By the way, did you know the Playboy Mansion is for sale?

I feel like my 3.5 readers have been in remiss for not starting a Kickstarter to raise the funds I need to make the Playboy Mansion my new BQB HQ.

Although if the bunnies aren’t included then all you get is a giant house filled with Hef’s old man stink.  Thanks but no thanks.

6.  Convenience Store

Same reason as why I would want to stay in a big store but there is an argument that the convenience store, being smaller, makes it less likely a zombie could sneak up on you.  If you can see it all by just looking around and you keep your back against one of the walls, that should help you in a zombie attack.

Then again, they usually have glass windows and are easily viewed from the street so you might end up being a sitting duck for a hungry zombie.

5.  The Morgue and/or Funeral Parlor

Hear me out on this one.

If there are already a few dead bodies lying around, just hang out near them and the zombies will sniff the long dead flesh, decide there’s nothing else in there but more dumb zombies, and shuffle on.

Then again they are zombies and they like to eat flesh…would they care that it is dead?

I don’t think I want to find out.

4.  Gun Store

For obvious reasons.  The Founding Fathers have bestowed upon us a constitutional right to pull off as many sweet zombie head shots as possible.

3.  Boat

Look, don’t let that family on Fear the Walking Dead fool you.  Those people are some dumb dummies.

Maintain radio silence or if you have to communicate, do so without sharing details of where you are.  Duh.

Get out to sea.  Keep moving.  Keep an eye on that radar for visitors.  Catch some fish.

2.  Train

Like Snowpiercer, but the train just keeps looping around a big track at a fast pace so damn zombies can’t catch it.

Holy shit.  That is a badass novel idea.  Now I need to drop what I am doing and write Zombie Piercer.

  1.  Your Own Home

Screw those zombies.  This is America.  Aint no undead bastard gonna run me off my own property.

Just be sure to board the place up, reinforce the doors, stockpile food, equipment, supplies, ammo and what the heck, you’ll be comfier in your own crib anway.

Tagged , , , , , ,

BQB’s Favorite YouTubers – Ask a Mortician

The things you end up Googling when you’re an aspiring author, let me tell you.

One subject I’ve had to look up is the various ways in which characters could possibly die, what happens when they die, is it possible to live through something, etc.

Writing about zombies gives you the particular need to know how dead bodies decompose, fall apart, etc.

While looking for such information, I happened across the “Ask a Mortician” YouTube Channel.

It is run by Caitlin Dougherty of the website orderofthegooddeath.com

This lady is the funniest mortician I have ever seen (not that I have seen that many.)

She takes questions about what happens to people after they die – how embalming works, how bodies are cremated, why human taxidermy doesn’t work so well, coffin birth (is it possible for a deceased pregnant woman to give birth to a deceased baby, corpse poop, etc.

Here she is in a video explaining what happens to artificial implants in a body when they aren’t burned up during cremation:

Anyway, just throwing it out there, as an aspiring author I have found her videos helpful and I appreciate her ability to explain emotionally difficult topics with humor.

Check her out, 3.5 readers.

Alas, death comes for us all and though we should do our best to keep it at bay for a long, long time it is good to know that professionals like Caitlin are looking out for the deceased and getting them ready for a proper send off.

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Game of Thrones – Season 6 – Episode 1 – “The Red Woman”

cropped-img_1757.jpg

Hey 3.5 nerds.

BQB here.

Game of Thrones is back!

Beware. This post is dark and full of SPOILERS.

So at the end of last season, Dany was in the custody of evil Dothraki.

Tyrion was left to watch over Mereen.

Myrcella was murdered by the scheming Elena Sand.

Cersei had been put through the butt naked walk of shame.

Jon Snow had been murdered by the Night’s Watch.

Sansa and Reek had escaped.

Arya had been blinded.

And that’s about it.

So many cliffhangers.  And I applaud the show because they began tying up all of them.

We still aren’t totally sure if Jon Snow is going to remain dead but we did learn that Melisandre looks a lot, lot different without her necklace on.

In fact, it dawns on me that necklace might be helping her cheat death and uh…maybe she’ll let Jon have it?

Just a theory.  We’ll find out.

Anyway, what did you think about tonight’s episode, 3.5 readers?

Tagged , , , , ,